I'm back, obviously still as loud mouthed as ever.

I finally have come to realize that I use to blog. Who even knows what that means anymore. It's just me spouting on about random crap inside my mind. Blog is also a great form of really cheap therapy. Maybe I will write again, or this might just be a once in a two year opportunity.

Life update. I don't have a life. I moved to Idaho Falls July of 2013. My parents bought a salon and I moved to "help" them. Who knows if I am actually helping things, but that's what I say in my mind. Positive notes, I live with My Uncle Chris and Aunt Shelia or are you Sheila. haha this is how we will see if she reads this. I before E except after SH? we will never know. They have an adorable baby and I love living here. I also have found a fabulous friend up here who makes sure my life resembles some sort of normal social life. She makes my fat ass go to the gym or at least tries to encourage good things for me haha. I have dropped out of all sorts of extra life activites, that if I did participate in would make my life much more exciting.

As in true Hilary blog forum I will now preform my life thoughts and lessons on a completely random subject.

Nurse, Teacher, Tour Guide, Disney Employee, Writer, Surgeon, Camp Director, Psychiatrist. These are all things I think about becoming every day. Not a day goes by when I think of being all these things. I am truly at a spot in my life where I am 100% completely lost and 100% in a sticky situation. I will tell you one thing, I hate money. I hate everything about the fact that you have to have money to do anything in life. My thoughts are constantly turning towards it. I ponder in my mind every day about how I can go back to school and become something magnificent. Someone who I know I am and at my full potential to help people. That is all I have ever wanted to do was spread my laughter around to those who needed it. I also want to kick myself. Why have I left it to my almost 25 year old self to start from scratch, why the hell didn't you go to college at 18 years old. I could be finishing nursing school, or rotations at a psychiatrist office. I could have finished a lot of wonderful things. Instead I just sit here, and do nothing about it. Which brings me to my thought, do we ever truly move on? Does everyone else feel like a complete failure or am I just awful and hold on to things that people let go of? Why could I not have been blessed with a mind to drive myself to do anything? Instead I am halfway through my "prime" with almost nothing to show for anything. Why do we always put ourselves down and allow ourselves to be held back because of our fears? There has to be a moment when we find our strength and stand up for who we are, what we want, and what we believe in. Why do we carry around guilt for things we don't have to apologize for. Why do we carry around guilt for things we cannot change anymore? I believe some of us carry around a cloud our whole lives and never reach our full potential. So what's the difference with me, I don't know? I have no idea where I will go next, but I know I want to get there. I have to keep reminded myself to stop using this expression "I will be happy when" I thought I would be happy when I left my life and moved to New York. Was I, No? I was absolutely miserable. Learned a shit load about myself though. Figured out how bad my depression and anxiety could and would be. Thought I would be happy when I finished cosmetology school and worked at a salon. Was I? You guessed it, NO! So why do I always do that and think that something could make me happy? I am finally beginning to realize it is because we never truly let go and forgive ourselves. Tonight as I am writing this, I am convincing myself that life goes on. Who cares what I have and have not accomplished. I can't change it now. That's your own damn fault for being a lazy sack of crap. That's what you get for letting people take advantage of you and not having a backbone to do what you want. I need to forgive my last 7 years and move the heck on. I won't be happy when I become a Disney employee or a nurse. I will be happy when I can realize that you can make a difference every day, I can be happy when I make someone else laugh. I can be happy because I choose to be that way. I and we need to stop telling ourselves that life sucks so much. All you can do is your best, and move on every day. Mental baggage is the worst thing we can carry around. (although I wouldn't mind putting my fat on someone else) In the newer move 'About Time' he travels through time and can go back and re live every moment. In the end his dad tells him his secret is to live everyday and then re live it but when you go back to re live it, just laugh everything off and spend your time enjoying the little things around you. Realize that the things you thought were a problem were not after all.

Everyday is something that we have control over. We will not be happy when we reach certain goals. Instead it is our gift that we can be happy everyday while trying to reach our goals. We can making someone laugh and change the world every single day. When we truly let go of  our ugly pasts and move forward is when we are truly happy. I learned a very great lesson once. Write a letter to each person that you feel has every done you wrong, or write a little to a certain life situation that you hated or that changed your life. Write a letter to Cancer, Alcohol, Best Friend, Parent, Sibling, Life, Drugs, YOURSELF! Write down all your issues and hatred towards these things. Then guess what?! Take it outside and burn it!!!!!!!!!!! Relieve yourself of all your hatred. Guess what, when your heart is light, is when you will be happy! I guarantee it. I am about 2 or 3 letters in to my own journey. I know this will help me a lot. Will I still struggle some days? Absolutely, I can guarantee it. But I beg of you to stop letting anger fill your heart and change how we treat people day to day. For it will change your outcome of life. A dark heart makes for a dark life, and that is now what we want. Forgive, forget and let go. That is my new mantra for life today, and hopefully from now on.

If that wasn't random enough wait until tomorrow. I don't write these for anyone, I just write to write. I enjoy it. If I can help even 1 person with my words, or even myself it is worth it. Smile and Laugh!

Hilary Fitts