I have found that most everyone in their lives will change at some point or another. This is not a bad thing, but sometimes not a good one either. Some go up hill and some go down hill, some will change for better... or for worse. Along with change comes a new lifestyle that you live. Some make better dedications for a higher power, some fall away, friends are gained and lost, love comes and goes. The evolution of change is never ending and the motion of change is always being made.
When lives change and people move forward they must be able to look back and realize why certain changes are made. It will give us a brighter perspective and enable us to realize our full potential. Our purpose on earth is to become the best "US" we can be. In one of my favorite moves they have a scene that goes something like this. The character Iris is growing up, moving on and finally starting to realize how wonderful she actually is! She meets an older gentleman, a Hollywood movie writer. He tells her that in every movie there is a leading lady and a best friend. Arthur says, "Iris, in your own life you are acting like the best friend." She can finally see the light and recognizes, my heck! I am suppose to be the own leading lady of my life! I should not let other people write and lead the story for me! I love the movie the Holiday almost more than any other! It is filled with much insite and I have always felt this strange connection to it! No matter how much I change, I feel it always finds a new way to inspire or help direct me.
I have also come to realize that some people will not be in your lives forever. Sometime you are with people for a very long time, on the other hand only a short while. People come and go just like the sun and the moon. We as humans learn to cope with the loss of others. We must learn to savor the moment, because you never know how long you will have someone with you. This still ties into change because sometimes those people are still around. We must be humble enough to understand why those people came and left our lives. Why these people had to offer at that certain time. We must be humble enough to see why we have been granted time with them. And only through this "change" are we able to move forward in our movie and continue learning from our lessons and become the best you, that you can be.
Like most my other post it is time to think about your own life. Think about a time you went through a big life change or had to learn a tough lesson and had to choke on your words? I have a few incidents that come to mind and one in particular I will share with you tonight. In my recent years I have had to learn a tough lesson of forgiveness. Not only of myself but certain others. Other people that you thought would always be there but have somehow let you down. I can think of one time though a few years back when someone I really had not known that long had absolutley destroyed me. Things came out and went around and I ultimately had to make a decision. I had only been out of High School for a little while and had a hard time making such a big decision. I did decide to send a certain person packing, and to send them away from my life.
To this day about 2 years later... I am still very proud of my decision. Thought it has only been in a few recent months where I came to terms with myself and said, "No I am a much bigger person and I forgive them! And I have, I remember no more or care no more. But with this decision of forgiveness people around me wondered why I was not able to let them back into my life. I then was not able to answer. I thought maybe once you forgive you are suppose to allow people a fresh start and maybe "reedem themselves". Anyways a lot and a lot of thinking went into this new decision. This one even harder than letting this person go. I decided that it doesn't matter if you have forgiven and forgotten. I decided that I didn't care if it left people torn apart. Sometimes people will change so much that it is no longer worth a struggle. Just because you have forgiven someone does not mean that they get to start off with a clean slate. Who is to say that they have changed? Or that you have changed enough that maybe you would be able to stand up for yourself better this time?
Anyways, I have made a final decision that it is okay. I am now at 100% okay terms with the decisions I had to make for this certain situation. In others I have decided to forgive and give people a new clean slate. So maybe I haven't changed that much after all :) It is just a funny thing. I guess most people evaluate every decision differently and that is how it should be.
If I can shed some light thought. If you are going to make a change... and we should constantly be evolving. Make a step in the positive direction. Let go, forgive, make commitments, try something new! Make tomorrow a new day and take it one day at a time. For it is when we overwhelm ourselves that we let our leading ladies down! Now days I have something slightly resembling GUMPTION!
Stand a little taller
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
I'm back, obviously still as loud mouthed as ever.
I finally have come to realize that I use to blog. Who even knows what that means anymore. It's just me spouting on about random crap inside my mind. Blog is also a great form of really cheap therapy. Maybe I will write again, or this might just be a once in a two year opportunity.
Life update. I don't have a life. I moved to Idaho Falls July of 2013. My parents bought a salon and I moved to "help" them. Who knows if I am actually helping things, but that's what I say in my mind. Positive notes, I live with My Uncle Chris and Aunt Shelia or are you Sheila. haha this is how we will see if she reads this. I before E except after SH? we will never know. They have an adorable baby and I love living here. I also have found a fabulous friend up here who makes sure my life resembles some sort of normal social life. She makes my fat ass go to the gym or at least tries to encourage good things for me haha. I have dropped out of all sorts of extra life activites, that if I did participate in would make my life much more exciting.
As in true Hilary blog forum I will now preform my life thoughts and lessons on a completely random subject.
Nurse, Teacher, Tour Guide, Disney Employee, Writer, Surgeon, Camp Director, Psychiatrist. These are all things I think about becoming every day. Not a day goes by when I think of being all these things. I am truly at a spot in my life where I am 100% completely lost and 100% in a sticky situation. I will tell you one thing, I hate money. I hate everything about the fact that you have to have money to do anything in life. My thoughts are constantly turning towards it. I ponder in my mind every day about how I can go back to school and become something magnificent. Someone who I know I am and at my full potential to help people. That is all I have ever wanted to do was spread my laughter around to those who needed it. I also want to kick myself. Why have I left it to my almost 25 year old self to start from scratch, why the hell didn't you go to college at 18 years old. I could be finishing nursing school, or rotations at a psychiatrist office. I could have finished a lot of wonderful things. Instead I just sit here, and do nothing about it. Which brings me to my thought, do we ever truly move on? Does everyone else feel like a complete failure or am I just awful and hold on to things that people let go of? Why could I not have been blessed with a mind to drive myself to do anything? Instead I am halfway through my "prime" with almost nothing to show for anything. Why do we always put ourselves down and allow ourselves to be held back because of our fears? There has to be a moment when we find our strength and stand up for who we are, what we want, and what we believe in. Why do we carry around guilt for things we don't have to apologize for. Why do we carry around guilt for things we cannot change anymore? I believe some of us carry around a cloud our whole lives and never reach our full potential. So what's the difference with me, I don't know? I have no idea where I will go next, but I know I want to get there. I have to keep reminded myself to stop using this expression "I will be happy when" I thought I would be happy when I left my life and moved to New York. Was I, No? I was absolutely miserable. Learned a shit load about myself though. Figured out how bad my depression and anxiety could and would be. Thought I would be happy when I finished cosmetology school and worked at a salon. Was I? You guessed it, NO! So why do I always do that and think that something could make me happy? I am finally beginning to realize it is because we never truly let go and forgive ourselves. Tonight as I am writing this, I am convincing myself that life goes on. Who cares what I have and have not accomplished. I can't change it now. That's your own damn fault for being a lazy sack of crap. That's what you get for letting people take advantage of you and not having a backbone to do what you want. I need to forgive my last 7 years and move the heck on. I won't be happy when I become a Disney employee or a nurse. I will be happy when I can realize that you can make a difference every day, I can be happy when I make someone else laugh. I can be happy because I choose to be that way. I and we need to stop telling ourselves that life sucks so much. All you can do is your best, and move on every day. Mental baggage is the worst thing we can carry around. (although I wouldn't mind putting my fat on someone else) In the newer move 'About Time' he travels through time and can go back and re live every moment. In the end his dad tells him his secret is to live everyday and then re live it but when you go back to re live it, just laugh everything off and spend your time enjoying the little things around you. Realize that the things you thought were a problem were not after all.
Everyday is something that we have control over. We will not be happy when we reach certain goals. Instead it is our gift that we can be happy everyday while trying to reach our goals. We can making someone laugh and change the world every single day. When we truly let go of our ugly pasts and move forward is when we are truly happy. I learned a very great lesson once. Write a letter to each person that you feel has every done you wrong, or write a little to a certain life situation that you hated or that changed your life. Write a letter to Cancer, Alcohol, Best Friend, Parent, Sibling, Life, Drugs, YOURSELF! Write down all your issues and hatred towards these things. Then guess what?! Take it outside and burn it!!!!!!!!!!! Relieve yourself of all your hatred. Guess what, when your heart is light, is when you will be happy! I guarantee it. I am about 2 or 3 letters in to my own journey. I know this will help me a lot. Will I still struggle some days? Absolutely, I can guarantee it. But I beg of you to stop letting anger fill your heart and change how we treat people day to day. For it will change your outcome of life. A dark heart makes for a dark life, and that is now what we want. Forgive, forget and let go. That is my new mantra for life today, and hopefully from now on.
If that wasn't random enough wait until tomorrow. I don't write these for anyone, I just write to write. I enjoy it. If I can help even 1 person with my words, or even myself it is worth it. Smile and Laugh!
Hilary Fitts
Life update. I don't have a life. I moved to Idaho Falls July of 2013. My parents bought a salon and I moved to "help" them. Who knows if I am actually helping things, but that's what I say in my mind. Positive notes, I live with My Uncle Chris and Aunt Shelia or are you Sheila. haha this is how we will see if she reads this. I before E except after SH? we will never know. They have an adorable baby and I love living here. I also have found a fabulous friend up here who makes sure my life resembles some sort of normal social life. She makes my fat ass go to the gym or at least tries to encourage good things for me haha. I have dropped out of all sorts of extra life activites, that if I did participate in would make my life much more exciting.
As in true Hilary blog forum I will now preform my life thoughts and lessons on a completely random subject.
Nurse, Teacher, Tour Guide, Disney Employee, Writer, Surgeon, Camp Director, Psychiatrist. These are all things I think about becoming every day. Not a day goes by when I think of being all these things. I am truly at a spot in my life where I am 100% completely lost and 100% in a sticky situation. I will tell you one thing, I hate money. I hate everything about the fact that you have to have money to do anything in life. My thoughts are constantly turning towards it. I ponder in my mind every day about how I can go back to school and become something magnificent. Someone who I know I am and at my full potential to help people. That is all I have ever wanted to do was spread my laughter around to those who needed it. I also want to kick myself. Why have I left it to my almost 25 year old self to start from scratch, why the hell didn't you go to college at 18 years old. I could be finishing nursing school, or rotations at a psychiatrist office. I could have finished a lot of wonderful things. Instead I just sit here, and do nothing about it. Which brings me to my thought, do we ever truly move on? Does everyone else feel like a complete failure or am I just awful and hold on to things that people let go of? Why could I not have been blessed with a mind to drive myself to do anything? Instead I am halfway through my "prime" with almost nothing to show for anything. Why do we always put ourselves down and allow ourselves to be held back because of our fears? There has to be a moment when we find our strength and stand up for who we are, what we want, and what we believe in. Why do we carry around guilt for things we don't have to apologize for. Why do we carry around guilt for things we cannot change anymore? I believe some of us carry around a cloud our whole lives and never reach our full potential. So what's the difference with me, I don't know? I have no idea where I will go next, but I know I want to get there. I have to keep reminded myself to stop using this expression "I will be happy when" I thought I would be happy when I left my life and moved to New York. Was I, No? I was absolutely miserable. Learned a shit load about myself though. Figured out how bad my depression and anxiety could and would be. Thought I would be happy when I finished cosmetology school and worked at a salon. Was I? You guessed it, NO! So why do I always do that and think that something could make me happy? I am finally beginning to realize it is because we never truly let go and forgive ourselves. Tonight as I am writing this, I am convincing myself that life goes on. Who cares what I have and have not accomplished. I can't change it now. That's your own damn fault for being a lazy sack of crap. That's what you get for letting people take advantage of you and not having a backbone to do what you want. I need to forgive my last 7 years and move the heck on. I won't be happy when I become a Disney employee or a nurse. I will be happy when I can realize that you can make a difference every day, I can be happy when I make someone else laugh. I can be happy because I choose to be that way. I and we need to stop telling ourselves that life sucks so much. All you can do is your best, and move on every day. Mental baggage is the worst thing we can carry around. (although I wouldn't mind putting my fat on someone else) In the newer move 'About Time' he travels through time and can go back and re live every moment. In the end his dad tells him his secret is to live everyday and then re live it but when you go back to re live it, just laugh everything off and spend your time enjoying the little things around you. Realize that the things you thought were a problem were not after all.
Everyday is something that we have control over. We will not be happy when we reach certain goals. Instead it is our gift that we can be happy everyday while trying to reach our goals. We can making someone laugh and change the world every single day. When we truly let go of our ugly pasts and move forward is when we are truly happy. I learned a very great lesson once. Write a letter to each person that you feel has every done you wrong, or write a little to a certain life situation that you hated or that changed your life. Write a letter to Cancer, Alcohol, Best Friend, Parent, Sibling, Life, Drugs, YOURSELF! Write down all your issues and hatred towards these things. Then guess what?! Take it outside and burn it!!!!!!!!!!! Relieve yourself of all your hatred. Guess what, when your heart is light, is when you will be happy! I guarantee it. I am about 2 or 3 letters in to my own journey. I know this will help me a lot. Will I still struggle some days? Absolutely, I can guarantee it. But I beg of you to stop letting anger fill your heart and change how we treat people day to day. For it will change your outcome of life. A dark heart makes for a dark life, and that is now what we want. Forgive, forget and let go. That is my new mantra for life today, and hopefully from now on.
If that wasn't random enough wait until tomorrow. I don't write these for anyone, I just write to write. I enjoy it. If I can help even 1 person with my words, or even myself it is worth it. Smile and Laugh!
Hilary Fitts
Thursday, September 27, 2012
One little short and crazy year!
I believe that I have about 3 weeks left of cosmetology school. I do not want to leave ever! It has become my safe haven and I love just about every second of it. I cannot believe how quickly it went and how much has happened in one short year. Once I moved back to Utah in early September 2011, I had about 3 days of rest and immediately started at Evan's. Honestly I didn't even know if I wanted to cut hair or would like it? It ends up that I absolutely love it! I love my customers, because they have become my friends and I can't wait to see them each week and make them more beautiful! I cannot wait to be done so that I can start my actual working period of cosmetology and start making money. It will feel so nice to be a graduate of college and have an actual career. I am damn proud of myself for this!
It has been a very crazy summer, yet also very relaxing. I don't think I had the mental capacity to have a very stimulating summer. I took my cute little sisters to the lake a lot, and burned a lot! Saw the state fair and all of its white trash glory. Rediscovered my love for the movies and reading. Saw more outdoor movies than is possible. As always a bunch of random activities that made it very fun! Also one of my hardest summers, besides the summer of '09 and last summer! Haha oddly specific? yes... I have my reasons so do not mock!
I forget that I have my blog and that it is my venting system! I do only write this blog for myself and for the few who actually like to read it. So I may share random things, and sometimes I am not my upbeat self in them! That to me is why I like to blog, to shed some light on the crazy things in life!
This fall marks 6 years now that I have battled with depressions and anxiety problems. I do know why I have them but I do not know why they continue to haunt me. That is why this last year has become so very important to these issues and my growing process. You see I have this problem where I constantly worry and about things that are in the past that I can no longer change or deal with. This entire summer I had so very much fun being very free and happy. Every time I did something though, I was reminded of last summer and all the fun things I did. I worried about how I could have done things better, or that I could have stayed longer, that I could still be in New York, that I didn't see enough or go enough places! Everything I did this year reminded me or made me remember what I was doing exactly a year ago. I don't think I can explain to you how much last summer meant to me or me growing and changing as a person. There is not a day that goes by that I wishes I could go back and visit what I called home for such a short time! I just had a very hard time being able to say "Hilary, you had a great time, you have moved forward with life. You are in another amazing chapter and stop dwelling on bad things" Well duh, that is what I am a damn dweller!
If it were not for my personal growth and help at Evan's I would have not made it through this last year. I have become friends with people I never thought I could. I have become a much more forward and outspoken person. I do not let people walk all over me. I know now how to say no and still maintain my "hillaryness". I have participated and learned about more service projects than I ever though imaginable. I was able to forgive grudges of the past few years, as I wrote letters and burned them. I then watched them blow away as little ashes! That was the greatest feeling of all. Most of all I have become more open to the world and seeing how the rest of the world lives. I would say I am a 100% different person than one year ago. I absolutely love myself now and what I am doing with my life! I am actually living for myself and not to please others! That is the greatest satisfaction of all! Finally to realize what you want out of life and have some of your dreams back. Through exercise and regaining my smile I have been able to push my anxiety and depression away as I always do! That is just the type of person I am! We move forward, constantly looking for something else great in life.
I am so excited for these next few months and I look forward to the opportunities that will come in them! Also my Best Friend Tia passed her test and I am so darn proud of her!!!
It has been a very crazy summer, yet also very relaxing. I don't think I had the mental capacity to have a very stimulating summer. I took my cute little sisters to the lake a lot, and burned a lot! Saw the state fair and all of its white trash glory. Rediscovered my love for the movies and reading. Saw more outdoor movies than is possible. As always a bunch of random activities that made it very fun! Also one of my hardest summers, besides the summer of '09 and last summer! Haha oddly specific? yes... I have my reasons so do not mock!
I forget that I have my blog and that it is my venting system! I do only write this blog for myself and for the few who actually like to read it. So I may share random things, and sometimes I am not my upbeat self in them! That to me is why I like to blog, to shed some light on the crazy things in life!
This fall marks 6 years now that I have battled with depressions and anxiety problems. I do know why I have them but I do not know why they continue to haunt me. That is why this last year has become so very important to these issues and my growing process. You see I have this problem where I constantly worry and about things that are in the past that I can no longer change or deal with. This entire summer I had so very much fun being very free and happy. Every time I did something though, I was reminded of last summer and all the fun things I did. I worried about how I could have done things better, or that I could have stayed longer, that I could still be in New York, that I didn't see enough or go enough places! Everything I did this year reminded me or made me remember what I was doing exactly a year ago. I don't think I can explain to you how much last summer meant to me or me growing and changing as a person. There is not a day that goes by that I wishes I could go back and visit what I called home for such a short time! I just had a very hard time being able to say "Hilary, you had a great time, you have moved forward with life. You are in another amazing chapter and stop dwelling on bad things" Well duh, that is what I am a damn dweller!
If it were not for my personal growth and help at Evan's I would have not made it through this last year. I have become friends with people I never thought I could. I have become a much more forward and outspoken person. I do not let people walk all over me. I know now how to say no and still maintain my "hillaryness". I have participated and learned about more service projects than I ever though imaginable. I was able to forgive grudges of the past few years, as I wrote letters and burned them. I then watched them blow away as little ashes! That was the greatest feeling of all. Most of all I have become more open to the world and seeing how the rest of the world lives. I would say I am a 100% different person than one year ago. I absolutely love myself now and what I am doing with my life! I am actually living for myself and not to please others! That is the greatest satisfaction of all! Finally to realize what you want out of life and have some of your dreams back. Through exercise and regaining my smile I have been able to push my anxiety and depression away as I always do! That is just the type of person I am! We move forward, constantly looking for something else great in life.
I am so excited for these next few months and I look forward to the opportunities that will come in them! Also my Best Friend Tia passed her test and I am so darn proud of her!!!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Just the noise is my brain on paper.
I have been having a hard time sorting my thoughts and that is why I never blog. If you read this you know I hate just the small talk on a blog, haha it has to be something meaningful. I got a request by a friend that she wants me to keep writing. So I am going to try again!
It has been almost exactly 1 year ago that I was set to move to Connecticut to become a nanny for 1 year, if not longer. I moved to Connecticut the first of June and had a blast! I also hated it at the same time. I was in a very strange place in my life and making this decision was the only thing I felt comfortable doing with my life at that point. I had been through so much since my senior year of high school that I just needed a very big change in my life. I knew it was crazy but it would be the start of something wonderful and something that would change the rest of my life. Ever since this experience I have grown and learned to appreciate everyone around me. At the end of 5 months I was so physically exhausted from this experience that I decided I needed to return home. There has been many time I have regretted the decision to return. While I love school, I wish I would have stayed longer. since being home I have always thought twice before making a decision or backing out of something so quickly. Now that I am settled home, I know that this is the right place for me right at this moment in life.
I have been doing a LOT and a LOT more of thinking lately. I have been enjoying Hair School more than you can imagine. There are some days I never want to have a piece of itchy hair on me again! Then I get to meet some of the most wonderful people and then I get to call them my friends! I will be done just about the end of September... sad? I am very sad. I am one of those people that cannot handle change or losing people. I am learning to not be so emotional, my emotions have gotten me into some very big problems. So I am just trying to enjoy what I have left at Evans and take in every experience!
This still doesn't change that I have some very big decisions to make in the next 5 months. One thing I know for sure, is that I want to move out and experience living on my own. I do appreciate all the things my parents do but it is just time that I make that move. It is now more than ever though that I am filled with some big dreams. Since my time in school I have had my eyes opened to so much life! I love every second of my learning experience! It has made me realize some great things. I have always wondered why I haven't been close to getting married or have something that keeps me more grounded. With my prayers and dreams I have realized it is because I have many more things my big heart needs to do before settling down! When I say my wishes out loud they sound ridiculous... but they are truly things I want to experience. I will share a few.
*Speak French, Italian, and Spanish
*Work for Walt Disney World
*Live in New York as a "free" person
*Live in San Diego
*Become a nomad in Europe
*Serve a mission
*many, many, many more things
As many of you know I sometimes freak when I do not know or have a plan about what is next in life. For the first time in my life, I have a long list but no reason or know how of how to accomplish these things. I guess I have adopted a new way a life, and just letting things move naturally. I have decided that the closer school gets to ending I will slowly mark off some of these things. My Heavenly Father has helped my greatly in calming down and giving me to freedom to actually have my dreams and hopefully helping make them come true! All I know is that I want to make them happen and I will do it! All I know is that I cannot stop thinking about these things on a daily basis and it's starting to drive me crazy!
P.S. It has been a great mothers day and we had some good laughs as a family! I love them very much and they are wonderful people!
It has been almost exactly 1 year ago that I was set to move to Connecticut to become a nanny for 1 year, if not longer. I moved to Connecticut the first of June and had a blast! I also hated it at the same time. I was in a very strange place in my life and making this decision was the only thing I felt comfortable doing with my life at that point. I had been through so much since my senior year of high school that I just needed a very big change in my life. I knew it was crazy but it would be the start of something wonderful and something that would change the rest of my life. Ever since this experience I have grown and learned to appreciate everyone around me. At the end of 5 months I was so physically exhausted from this experience that I decided I needed to return home. There has been many time I have regretted the decision to return. While I love school, I wish I would have stayed longer. since being home I have always thought twice before making a decision or backing out of something so quickly. Now that I am settled home, I know that this is the right place for me right at this moment in life.
I have been doing a LOT and a LOT more of thinking lately. I have been enjoying Hair School more than you can imagine. There are some days I never want to have a piece of itchy hair on me again! Then I get to meet some of the most wonderful people and then I get to call them my friends! I will be done just about the end of September... sad? I am very sad. I am one of those people that cannot handle change or losing people. I am learning to not be so emotional, my emotions have gotten me into some very big problems. So I am just trying to enjoy what I have left at Evans and take in every experience!
This still doesn't change that I have some very big decisions to make in the next 5 months. One thing I know for sure, is that I want to move out and experience living on my own. I do appreciate all the things my parents do but it is just time that I make that move. It is now more than ever though that I am filled with some big dreams. Since my time in school I have had my eyes opened to so much life! I love every second of my learning experience! It has made me realize some great things. I have always wondered why I haven't been close to getting married or have something that keeps me more grounded. With my prayers and dreams I have realized it is because I have many more things my big heart needs to do before settling down! When I say my wishes out loud they sound ridiculous... but they are truly things I want to experience. I will share a few.
*Speak French, Italian, and Spanish
*Work for Walt Disney World
*Live in New York as a "free" person
*Live in San Diego
*Become a nomad in Europe
*Serve a mission
*many, many, many more things
As many of you know I sometimes freak when I do not know or have a plan about what is next in life. For the first time in my life, I have a long list but no reason or know how of how to accomplish these things. I guess I have adopted a new way a life, and just letting things move naturally. I have decided that the closer school gets to ending I will slowly mark off some of these things. My Heavenly Father has helped my greatly in calming down and giving me to freedom to actually have my dreams and hopefully helping make them come true! All I know is that I want to make them happen and I will do it! All I know is that I cannot stop thinking about these things on a daily basis and it's starting to drive me crazy!
P.S. It has been a great mothers day and we had some good laughs as a family! I love them very much and they are wonderful people!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Another day of birth come and gone!
Today is the birth of my very best friend. I have known her since I was seven and decided to make her all mine when I was 14! Haha. She is always very excited about her birthday as long as I can remember. Until this year... I am sure she was excited but didn't want to make it a five day extravaganza. A few days ago she asked me to just plan something small with our closest friends. We decided to do a Just Dance night and just food with some laughs.
This year she turned 26 and I am just not sure how she felt about it. It reminds me of my birthdays that I always hate the approach of every year. For some reason I have always new years resolutions. So I make birthday resolutions. Since about the age of 16 they have always been about the same... literally the same. Get kissed, lose weight, go on a date, do something meaningful with my life etc. Then every year my brithday comes and I realize I have the same goals... they are just a bad reminder of where I am not at every year.
This birthday was probably the first I decided not to make such a list. I have already crossed off two items, luckily they are, go on a real date, and do something meaningful with my life. Sadly one more years goes by without a kiss. I am literally convinced I may be dead before that happens. I guess I have just come to terms... If I did not meet a one Jill Sinnott, I would not be where I am today. She is one of the greatest people I have come to know. She gave me courage to finally stand up for myself and change my outcome in life.
So this year I decided, who cares about age? Who cares what you are and are not accomplishing. Do we not already try our best every day? Why are we so hard on ourselves?
I hope this year if I can convince my best friend of a few things. No matter how old you get, you are the best person I have ever met! You have the greatest laugh, probably the greatest sense of humor. You are the only person where we can just sit there after something big has happened and nothing has to be said. I love that you don't have to know all the details. You can move on from things and not even blink. You are the most honest person I have met. We still act like 16 year old girls when we find our "boyfriends" of the day. Jimmer and Jackson! We literally have fun in everything we do. Our friendship has stood the test of times. Even as we get older we still find a way to make everything work! Some friendships fade after time, and I hope ours continues to be the way it is today. Without you I would not be the person I am today. You give me a different perspective on life and keep me grounded. Sometimes I go crazy and you keep me level headed.
I hope that as this new year comes around and year enter your 26th year. Remember you are still young and have time to accomplish all your dreams. Do not be so hard on yourself and forgive your mistakes. Only assume you deserve the best.. Because you do, and do not settle for any less! I love you more than you could every imagine and I know we will have another fantastic year. Until the next burday. Love you, Donda!
Hilary Fitts
This year she turned 26 and I am just not sure how she felt about it. It reminds me of my birthdays that I always hate the approach of every year. For some reason I have always new years resolutions. So I make birthday resolutions. Since about the age of 16 they have always been about the same... literally the same. Get kissed, lose weight, go on a date, do something meaningful with my life etc. Then every year my brithday comes and I realize I have the same goals... they are just a bad reminder of where I am not at every year.
This birthday was probably the first I decided not to make such a list. I have already crossed off two items, luckily they are, go on a real date, and do something meaningful with my life. Sadly one more years goes by without a kiss. I am literally convinced I may be dead before that happens. I guess I have just come to terms... If I did not meet a one Jill Sinnott, I would not be where I am today. She is one of the greatest people I have come to know. She gave me courage to finally stand up for myself and change my outcome in life.
So this year I decided, who cares about age? Who cares what you are and are not accomplishing. Do we not already try our best every day? Why are we so hard on ourselves?
I hope this year if I can convince my best friend of a few things. No matter how old you get, you are the best person I have ever met! You have the greatest laugh, probably the greatest sense of humor. You are the only person where we can just sit there after something big has happened and nothing has to be said. I love that you don't have to know all the details. You can move on from things and not even blink. You are the most honest person I have met. We still act like 16 year old girls when we find our "boyfriends" of the day. Jimmer and Jackson! We literally have fun in everything we do. Our friendship has stood the test of times. Even as we get older we still find a way to make everything work! Some friendships fade after time, and I hope ours continues to be the way it is today. Without you I would not be the person I am today. You give me a different perspective on life and keep me grounded. Sometimes I go crazy and you keep me level headed.
I hope that as this new year comes around and year enter your 26th year. Remember you are still young and have time to accomplish all your dreams. Do not be so hard on yourself and forgive your mistakes. Only assume you deserve the best.. Because you do, and do not settle for any less! I love you more than you could every imagine and I know we will have another fantastic year. Until the next burday. Love you, Donda!
Hilary Fitts
Monday, December 26, 2011
Here today... gone tomorrow
Dear Readers, I have been on a mental vacation since I last posted in May. You would like to hear stories you say? Well, those will come later. It is a combonation of thoughts that have prompted me to post today. I have simply forgotten that I love the written word and more or less forgotten how much I love to write. While I may have a few followers... I simply do this for myself. It is cheap therapy while doing something I love!
It was Christmas Eve morning, just this past Saturday. I was out of school since Friday but my dear little Maxine was waiting for her Saturday shampoo set. I am a sucker for the old people and knew I had to go whether we were in school or not. Maxine a dear little 90 year old lady had been given to me by my insturctor in late September. I was to go to her house every Saturday morning at 10 and do her hair (it had to look good for church)
I went every Saturday and heard stories from her wonderful life! She had an amazing collection of dolls, a cute little dog named Blossom, and said warsh for wash. I enjoyed her company and always looked forward to going. We became wonderful friends and she would always share treats that she bought at "the costco" with her son the day before. Blossom would sit on her lap as Maxine would talk and talk.
As I pulled into the driveway on Saturday I notices her walker and wheelchair leaned up against the side of the building. I had 3 thoughts, either her children forgot to pack them in a car to go with her, they had gone to the hospital in a hurry, or Maxine had passed away. As I approached the door, Blossom was not barking as usual and that is when I noticed a note taped to the door. "Hair dresser, sorry we have to cancel for today. Please call me. I called Michele... She had told me that Maxine had passed away the night before. She went on to tell me that she fell ill last Saturday after I left... she went to lunch, a movie, and then to her family Christmas party. That night she called her son and said her oxygen wasn't working. When her son arrived he found the oxygen to be working but Maxine's lungs to be failing. Maxine held on for just about another week and passed away Friday night surrounded by her family.
As I bawled listening to this story, I was happy for Maxine. For she was in a place where she no longer missed her husband and other son. She was out of pain, and could breathe and walk normally. Another part of me was sad they didn't call for me to come say goodbye. Who knows though... I may not have made it though the experience.
As many of you know, for a living I take care of my sweet dear invalid Grandma Frankie. She fell in February and broke her arm. Ever since then her health has been on a roller coaster ride!
I think back to some of my very first memories. One of them is sitting on my grandfathers lap every morning and watching Mr. Rogers and Sesame Street. We then would eat Ramen Noodles. After school I would help him in the garden and do such activites. With my Grandma I would play flinch, the piano or she would teach me counting or reading. For as long as I can remember my grandparents have always been a major part of my life. For more than 15 out of my 22 years I have lived with my grandparents... or they have lived with us. I am sure more than half of my memories contain something we have done with them.
Since her accident in May my entire family especially my Dad has made great sacrifices to make sure someone is always with her. Since my return home in September I started 2 weekly "shifts" with my Grandma. Knowing that they are respectively 87 and 89 years old... I take advantage of almost all our moments together. I will ask my grandpa and grandma to tell stories or even sing things I have heard a thousand times before!
In the last few weeks I have noticed a change in their health. I would like to think this is just my ignorance but I know it is not. I know that everyday living is very hard for them. My Grandpa doesn't sleep for more than a few hours a day, he lost his sight completely in one eye. (The day he got this news was the first time I had ever seen my Grandpa almost cry) It broke my little heart to watch him come to the realization of how old he is actually getting. My Grandma suffers with every kind of pain you can ever imagine. As the days go by these symptoms just progress. When I heard of Maxine's passing, and know putting my Grandma in bed tonight... after watching how much pain she was in just walking to the bathroom. I wonder how many more days, months or hopefully year(s) I will be given with them. While I am sure they are ready to go, I can't stop thinking how weird life will be without them. I am spoiled because I still have my grandparents at 90 years old and can share every memory with them. How many people can say that? I hate to see how fragile life actually is. How weird is it that one day someone is here and the next day they are not? It is magical to think how much a persons life can impact your own... While I will continue to make the most of our time together, it breaks my little heart to see them when they are in pain. But for now, I will continue to watch Finding Nemo, listen to my Grandma sing Gene Autry, and share endless laughter with them. Maxine, thank you for the time we shared together, thank you for your friendship and most of all thank you giving me this eye opening experience.
Hilary Fitts
It was Christmas Eve morning, just this past Saturday. I was out of school since Friday but my dear little Maxine was waiting for her Saturday shampoo set. I am a sucker for the old people and knew I had to go whether we were in school or not. Maxine a dear little 90 year old lady had been given to me by my insturctor in late September. I was to go to her house every Saturday morning at 10 and do her hair (it had to look good for church)
I went every Saturday and heard stories from her wonderful life! She had an amazing collection of dolls, a cute little dog named Blossom, and said warsh for wash. I enjoyed her company and always looked forward to going. We became wonderful friends and she would always share treats that she bought at "the costco" with her son the day before. Blossom would sit on her lap as Maxine would talk and talk.
As I pulled into the driveway on Saturday I notices her walker and wheelchair leaned up against the side of the building. I had 3 thoughts, either her children forgot to pack them in a car to go with her, they had gone to the hospital in a hurry, or Maxine had passed away. As I approached the door, Blossom was not barking as usual and that is when I noticed a note taped to the door. "Hair dresser, sorry we have to cancel for today. Please call me. I called Michele... She had told me that Maxine had passed away the night before. She went on to tell me that she fell ill last Saturday after I left... she went to lunch, a movie, and then to her family Christmas party. That night she called her son and said her oxygen wasn't working. When her son arrived he found the oxygen to be working but Maxine's lungs to be failing. Maxine held on for just about another week and passed away Friday night surrounded by her family.
As I bawled listening to this story, I was happy for Maxine. For she was in a place where she no longer missed her husband and other son. She was out of pain, and could breathe and walk normally. Another part of me was sad they didn't call for me to come say goodbye. Who knows though... I may not have made it though the experience.
As many of you know, for a living I take care of my sweet dear invalid Grandma Frankie. She fell in February and broke her arm. Ever since then her health has been on a roller coaster ride!
I think back to some of my very first memories. One of them is sitting on my grandfathers lap every morning and watching Mr. Rogers and Sesame Street. We then would eat Ramen Noodles. After school I would help him in the garden and do such activites. With my Grandma I would play flinch, the piano or she would teach me counting or reading. For as long as I can remember my grandparents have always been a major part of my life. For more than 15 out of my 22 years I have lived with my grandparents... or they have lived with us. I am sure more than half of my memories contain something we have done with them.
Since her accident in May my entire family especially my Dad has made great sacrifices to make sure someone is always with her. Since my return home in September I started 2 weekly "shifts" with my Grandma. Knowing that they are respectively 87 and 89 years old... I take advantage of almost all our moments together. I will ask my grandpa and grandma to tell stories or even sing things I have heard a thousand times before!
In the last few weeks I have noticed a change in their health. I would like to think this is just my ignorance but I know it is not. I know that everyday living is very hard for them. My Grandpa doesn't sleep for more than a few hours a day, he lost his sight completely in one eye. (The day he got this news was the first time I had ever seen my Grandpa almost cry) It broke my little heart to watch him come to the realization of how old he is actually getting. My Grandma suffers with every kind of pain you can ever imagine. As the days go by these symptoms just progress. When I heard of Maxine's passing, and know putting my Grandma in bed tonight... after watching how much pain she was in just walking to the bathroom. I wonder how many more days, months or hopefully year(s) I will be given with them. While I am sure they are ready to go, I can't stop thinking how weird life will be without them. I am spoiled because I still have my grandparents at 90 years old and can share every memory with them. How many people can say that? I hate to see how fragile life actually is. How weird is it that one day someone is here and the next day they are not? It is magical to think how much a persons life can impact your own... While I will continue to make the most of our time together, it breaks my little heart to see them when they are in pain. But for now, I will continue to watch Finding Nemo, listen to my Grandma sing Gene Autry, and share endless laughter with them. Maxine, thank you for the time we shared together, thank you for your friendship and most of all thank you giving me this eye opening experience.
Hilary Fitts
Sunday, May 22, 2011
With a heavy heart, some anxiety, and much excitement!
I have promised that from this day forward I would keep my blog updated as close to every day as possible. I would imagine the ones to follow.... Danielle, Robyn, Max and Elle. If I am only writing for four, they would be the ones I want to read about my exciting new adventures! I may bore you with my really long story but I need to get things out and write for closure and bring a clean slate forward. Hopefully you will all enjoy!
In December the company I was working for announced that they would be closing down. While this job provided a grand income... I was relieved. I had some of the best times there, and for each good moment it was multiplied by 4 bad moments. So when the announcement came forward, I breathed a sigh of relief. Of relief that I could finally sleep and that the fates of 276 families would no longer be in my hands.
On the day of our release from work, I came home with two black garbage back full of junk from my "cube." I just sat. I stared at my bedroom wall for hours. Hours that I could say were filled with mostly tears. Tears of gratitude, hate, happiness, and sorrow. I had no thought really, a wall had just come tumbling down.
The next I decided I would wipe my life clean and so I painted. I went to the paint store and gathered primer and grey paint. In all it would take me three days. I called my best friend Danielle and told her to bring her Christmas spirit and come paint. I can remember now listening to Mark Masri, and Josh Groban Christmas music. We had a lot of laughs and I was glad to have my friend near at that moment. Little did I know I would never be so glad to have her in my life in the coming months.
So now I have a grey room with some cute throw pillow that I had made. It made me feel very happy. I felt clean and it gave me a sense of relief. It made it feel as if it were a new fresh start. As I was moving my room back to its normal state a paper fell out of my drawer. It was an old schedule from work at Lane Bryant. In which it said I worked Tuesday with Beth. Ahh Beth, she was a great friend whom I was very saddened to see move to New York to become a Nanny. A few days went by and I was bored as a door nail. I always thought while working that it would be great to have no job and do what you wanted. Ha, joke is on me. It is absolutely boring! So I thought, and thought some more. What could I do to earn an income. Why are you 21 years old and have no schooling? Well duh, go to school! I decided I should follow in my mothers path and become a hair stylist. I applied at a school and had my whole next year planned out. I had never been so excited about school before. I would be at a great school and right down the street from Danielle's work! It would be like High School, we could eat lunch again every day together! As I was making final touches I learned that funding for school would be nearly impossible for me. I looked at all the options and they easily were all flushed down the toilet!
So I prayed. I prayed for a good 30 minutes. I had never cried so hard in my entire life! I made a plea to my Heavenly Father to show me the way or to give me a sign. That night I decided I would give my friend Beth a call. No not decided, I was prompted to give Bethy Beth a call. As I called I was impressed to ask her how to go about being a nanny. I got a web site from her and she gave me great information. It was not but 10 minutes later I was online making a profile to solicit myself to be a nanny. Had I ever wanted to be a nanny? NO! Had I felt right about going to do it? NO WAY! The concept was so foreign and scary to me. But, I proceeded anyways. Within a few days I received a message from a family in Connecticut. They had an 11 year old boy, wanted a "friend"/ nanny for him. They had quite the set up and seemed picture perfect. I answered back to them and set up a time for some phone calls. I spoke to them and felt the impression that they were great. Bad news is they did not need a nanny until June! How could I possibly be around for 6 months waiting to leave? So I spoke to other families and followed the same process. As the days passed I came to love the idea of being a nanny more and more.
As the process of prayer became a more pattern activity in my life I began to feel things becoming clear to me. On one of the days in February I decided I could not take one more day of being fat! I have always been fat and thought I always would be. It was something that had come to be part of my personality, and I was okay with being the "fat funny" girl. Until one day I was overwhelmed with the power to finally lose weight. The best I can explain it to someone is like an addiction. Some obese is someone that is addicted to food. If I could be so bold I would compare it to a cigarette addiction. I had always had good intentions to lost weight but this time I had no intentions. I was going to solely dedicate my life to having a whole mind and finding peace with my body.
At this point I had purchased a few books. Miracle of Forgiveness, Biggest Loser 6 weeks to a healthier you and Eat, Pray, Love. I knew I needed to make peace with my Heavenly Father, I needed to lose weight, and I needed to learn how to find new meaning to life and let go. During this time I decided I did not fit with any other families. All my thoughts went back to this first family in Connecticut. At this point I was okay with waiting until June. I had a lot of personal things to work out to be in the right mind set to leave. It just so happens that June ended up falling in a perfect time frame. So I told them I would love to join their family and they gave an invitation! I was so excited. You did not have to twist my arm for this job! It is a perfect set up with everything you could and would ever need.
I finally felt at peace with my decision. I was learning how to abandon my addictions, clear my mind and draw nearer to my faith! But I have taken these last 6 months off for granted! I have had time to spend with my dear grandparents. Even thought it is watching my crazy grandpa go down every aisle at the grocery because he can't remember what they need. The time with my grandmother has been very rough. I came home one day after dropping my parents off at the airport and find my grandma screaming for help. She had fallen down and broken her arm in 3 different places. She has been through too much to have kept her patience in the last 4 months. Hell I don't blame her. They are people that are so firm in the gospel you can't help but have the most respect and love for them.
While I have not wanted to scream more than ever being at home everyday for 6 months. I am grateful for the time. I cannot remember a time when the washer was empty or the last time I took a warm shower was. Sometimes I find my toothbrush had been used, my shoes has been chewed up, or I come home and find someone sleeping in my bed. It has been a lesson learned on both ends for sure! It has taught me a lot more patience and understanding. I have for sure learned a little more about each of my family members. I will obviously miss them very much. It will be hard at first to be away from home. I will miss my little sisters sweet 16, family dinners and BYU sports with my dad. I will only gain more respect and love for them while I am away.
Finally to my life saver! Danielle Lolita Berry! While I have not been the easiest person in the last few months. She has done nothing but love me unconditionally. She has given me opportunities and more laughs than one can count. We have now officially done our second play together this year. No Dogs Allowed... it brought great joy to my life. At first I took the offer to occupy my time. In the mean time I gained lifetime friends and good tuba memories! We have also become quite the movie watchers. In the last few months I am going to say we have watched a good 45 movies! We have a new love for Vin and Paul! While we live in a dream world we have gone down the list of "their" films and watched almost all of them. We can say we may get a little obsessed with things at times! Our first great adventures started with basketball. When we became madly in love with the game, Jimmer and Jackson. :) We went to every game, gathered every newspaper clipping and have covered our room in cougar attire. We were officially complete when Danielle purchased us Jimmer and Jackson Jersey's. When BYU lost in the sweet 16 round... I refused to take mine off. I may have stayed in it for a whole 48 hours! I still have a hard time letting go of this season. My room is still covered and I still love to wear my jersey! I cannot count the many joys you Danielle have brought to my life this last year. You have been true to me no questions asked. While I may bawl my eyes out having to leave my best friend. I will remember all the great times we have had together. You have a place in my heart and you have had one for the last 9 years. I look forward to having many more with you by my side! Hopefully old ladies sitting on the side lines of the games and yelling at the refs! I will see you soon in my new city and will return soon enough to watch more movies and whoever else we move on to. I do have a song for you... but that has to wait. So I found a quote and I hope you will always hold it dear.
"If there is ever a tomorrow when we are not together there is something you must always remember: you are braver than believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But most important of all, even if we are apart, I'll always be with you" - A.A. Milne
It may sound like I am dying! Ha, while I am not dying I am just getting ready to start a new chapter in my life. I am looking to gain a sense of who I am, and what I would like to do in my future. I am sure to most it will seem like I was gone for a few days! I shall be back before you know it! I am leaving to travel while working and who would not like to combine the two?! I look forward to all the adventures I am going to have. I depart from SLC to JFK on June 3rd. Hopefully I will have some kind of get together where myself, friends and family can gather one time more and take some fun pictures that I can take with me! I am so very excited to begin my new adventure. I hope I did not bore everyone to death with my old lady story! haha, I hope to see all again before I leave, I hope that while I am out having an adventure everyone has one of their own! Also pieces of advice are welcome for a first timer living the nest! Ahhh. I leave with a heavy heart, some anxiety, and much excitement!
In December the company I was working for announced that they would be closing down. While this job provided a grand income... I was relieved. I had some of the best times there, and for each good moment it was multiplied by 4 bad moments. So when the announcement came forward, I breathed a sigh of relief. Of relief that I could finally sleep and that the fates of 276 families would no longer be in my hands.
On the day of our release from work, I came home with two black garbage back full of junk from my "cube." I just sat. I stared at my bedroom wall for hours. Hours that I could say were filled with mostly tears. Tears of gratitude, hate, happiness, and sorrow. I had no thought really, a wall had just come tumbling down.
The next I decided I would wipe my life clean and so I painted. I went to the paint store and gathered primer and grey paint. In all it would take me three days. I called my best friend Danielle and told her to bring her Christmas spirit and come paint. I can remember now listening to Mark Masri, and Josh Groban Christmas music. We had a lot of laughs and I was glad to have my friend near at that moment. Little did I know I would never be so glad to have her in my life in the coming months.
So now I have a grey room with some cute throw pillow that I had made. It made me feel very happy. I felt clean and it gave me a sense of relief. It made it feel as if it were a new fresh start. As I was moving my room back to its normal state a paper fell out of my drawer. It was an old schedule from work at Lane Bryant. In which it said I worked Tuesday with Beth. Ahh Beth, she was a great friend whom I was very saddened to see move to New York to become a Nanny. A few days went by and I was bored as a door nail. I always thought while working that it would be great to have no job and do what you wanted. Ha, joke is on me. It is absolutely boring! So I thought, and thought some more. What could I do to earn an income. Why are you 21 years old and have no schooling? Well duh, go to school! I decided I should follow in my mothers path and become a hair stylist. I applied at a school and had my whole next year planned out. I had never been so excited about school before. I would be at a great school and right down the street from Danielle's work! It would be like High School, we could eat lunch again every day together! As I was making final touches I learned that funding for school would be nearly impossible for me. I looked at all the options and they easily were all flushed down the toilet!
So I prayed. I prayed for a good 30 minutes. I had never cried so hard in my entire life! I made a plea to my Heavenly Father to show me the way or to give me a sign. That night I decided I would give my friend Beth a call. No not decided, I was prompted to give Bethy Beth a call. As I called I was impressed to ask her how to go about being a nanny. I got a web site from her and she gave me great information. It was not but 10 minutes later I was online making a profile to solicit myself to be a nanny. Had I ever wanted to be a nanny? NO! Had I felt right about going to do it? NO WAY! The concept was so foreign and scary to me. But, I proceeded anyways. Within a few days I received a message from a family in Connecticut. They had an 11 year old boy, wanted a "friend"/ nanny for him. They had quite the set up and seemed picture perfect. I answered back to them and set up a time for some phone calls. I spoke to them and felt the impression that they were great. Bad news is they did not need a nanny until June! How could I possibly be around for 6 months waiting to leave? So I spoke to other families and followed the same process. As the days passed I came to love the idea of being a nanny more and more.
As the process of prayer became a more pattern activity in my life I began to feel things becoming clear to me. On one of the days in February I decided I could not take one more day of being fat! I have always been fat and thought I always would be. It was something that had come to be part of my personality, and I was okay with being the "fat funny" girl. Until one day I was overwhelmed with the power to finally lose weight. The best I can explain it to someone is like an addiction. Some obese is someone that is addicted to food. If I could be so bold I would compare it to a cigarette addiction. I had always had good intentions to lost weight but this time I had no intentions. I was going to solely dedicate my life to having a whole mind and finding peace with my body.
At this point I had purchased a few books. Miracle of Forgiveness, Biggest Loser 6 weeks to a healthier you and Eat, Pray, Love. I knew I needed to make peace with my Heavenly Father, I needed to lose weight, and I needed to learn how to find new meaning to life and let go. During this time I decided I did not fit with any other families. All my thoughts went back to this first family in Connecticut. At this point I was okay with waiting until June. I had a lot of personal things to work out to be in the right mind set to leave. It just so happens that June ended up falling in a perfect time frame. So I told them I would love to join their family and they gave an invitation! I was so excited. You did not have to twist my arm for this job! It is a perfect set up with everything you could and would ever need.
I finally felt at peace with my decision. I was learning how to abandon my addictions, clear my mind and draw nearer to my faith! But I have taken these last 6 months off for granted! I have had time to spend with my dear grandparents. Even thought it is watching my crazy grandpa go down every aisle at the grocery because he can't remember what they need. The time with my grandmother has been very rough. I came home one day after dropping my parents off at the airport and find my grandma screaming for help. She had fallen down and broken her arm in 3 different places. She has been through too much to have kept her patience in the last 4 months. Hell I don't blame her. They are people that are so firm in the gospel you can't help but have the most respect and love for them.
While I have not wanted to scream more than ever being at home everyday for 6 months. I am grateful for the time. I cannot remember a time when the washer was empty or the last time I took a warm shower was. Sometimes I find my toothbrush had been used, my shoes has been chewed up, or I come home and find someone sleeping in my bed. It has been a lesson learned on both ends for sure! It has taught me a lot more patience and understanding. I have for sure learned a little more about each of my family members. I will obviously miss them very much. It will be hard at first to be away from home. I will miss my little sisters sweet 16, family dinners and BYU sports with my dad. I will only gain more respect and love for them while I am away.
Finally to my life saver! Danielle Lolita Berry! While I have not been the easiest person in the last few months. She has done nothing but love me unconditionally. She has given me opportunities and more laughs than one can count. We have now officially done our second play together this year. No Dogs Allowed... it brought great joy to my life. At first I took the offer to occupy my time. In the mean time I gained lifetime friends and good tuba memories! We have also become quite the movie watchers. In the last few months I am going to say we have watched a good 45 movies! We have a new love for Vin and Paul! While we live in a dream world we have gone down the list of "their" films and watched almost all of them. We can say we may get a little obsessed with things at times! Our first great adventures started with basketball. When we became madly in love with the game, Jimmer and Jackson. :) We went to every game, gathered every newspaper clipping and have covered our room in cougar attire. We were officially complete when Danielle purchased us Jimmer and Jackson Jersey's. When BYU lost in the sweet 16 round... I refused to take mine off. I may have stayed in it for a whole 48 hours! I still have a hard time letting go of this season. My room is still covered and I still love to wear my jersey! I cannot count the many joys you Danielle have brought to my life this last year. You have been true to me no questions asked. While I may bawl my eyes out having to leave my best friend. I will remember all the great times we have had together. You have a place in my heart and you have had one for the last 9 years. I look forward to having many more with you by my side! Hopefully old ladies sitting on the side lines of the games and yelling at the refs! I will see you soon in my new city and will return soon enough to watch more movies and whoever else we move on to. I do have a song for you... but that has to wait. So I found a quote and I hope you will always hold it dear.
"If there is ever a tomorrow when we are not together there is something you must always remember: you are braver than believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But most important of all, even if we are apart, I'll always be with you" - A.A. Milne
It may sound like I am dying! Ha, while I am not dying I am just getting ready to start a new chapter in my life. I am looking to gain a sense of who I am, and what I would like to do in my future. I am sure to most it will seem like I was gone for a few days! I shall be back before you know it! I am leaving to travel while working and who would not like to combine the two?! I look forward to all the adventures I am going to have. I depart from SLC to JFK on June 3rd. Hopefully I will have some kind of get together where myself, friends and family can gather one time more and take some fun pictures that I can take with me! I am so very excited to begin my new adventure. I hope I did not bore everyone to death with my old lady story! haha, I hope to see all again before I leave, I hope that while I am out having an adventure everyone has one of their own! Also pieces of advice are welcome for a first timer living the nest! Ahhh. I leave with a heavy heart, some anxiety, and much excitement!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Bury the hatchet!
I have not blogged for sometime, and let us just call it what it is lazy. And despite I just took 30 minutes writing a wondeful post and it got erased we are now doing the condensed version. Hopefully still as powerful though.
I have come to realize that most people in their lives have to make at some point and big decision. Now in my short 21 years I have to have very many of these "big" decisions. Sometimes these decisions will question your character, strengthen us and sometimes let others down. Before we make such big decision we think how it will affect those around us. Well at least I would hope we would do that. We owe it to the ones we love to give them such general curteosy. I do believe that you gather most peoples attention by letting our your own dirty laundry fly and so thus I will share a personal story.
Forgiveness: disposition or willingness to forgive. What does that mean to you? Well I thought I knew until a few years ago and now it means a whole new set of things! A few years ago I decided to let someone into my life and share just about everything with this person. I am a very optimistic person and very easy to get along with, so these things come very naturally. I am also at the same time a very naive person too... oops. Well when it came out that this certain person had all about destroyed my reputation and made up all sorts of hiddeous things, I without hesitation decided to send this person packing and kicked them to the curb. Thought I generally do not stand up for myself, it was a very easy decision.
Well now what does forigveness mean to you? I have many people around me that think forgiveness means you should just allow those people you have granted this gift to a 100% clean and new plate. In this particular situation I could not be more on the opposite side. Besides the facts that this person and I should never have been friends in the first place, or that it continues to ruin friendships to this day. I have decided that I will stand up for myself and whatever will be will be for everyone else. In this particular situation I cannot allow myself to move backwards.
So does forgiveness mean that you should allow people to return to the previous trust? I personally do not think so. I think each situation should be evaluated differently. Those people that love and respect you should realize that. They should respect your decision no matter what you decide to do. Just think of your situation I asked about earlier. Did you have to compromise relationships or character to make a decision you did? How did it affect you? Would you go back and change the dynamics of how things went?
They are all things to be taken with consideration and I hope you have made the right decision. Forgiveness is something I do not take lightly. Thought we must be humble enough to receive this gift, we must also do the same in return. So must we learn to forgive and forget? Yes, it is one of the reasons we are here. But does that mean you must let your old habits die hard? Well, I will let you decide for yourself. I love you all and send best wishes.
Stand a little taller
I have come to realize that most people in their lives have to make at some point and big decision. Now in my short 21 years I have to have very many of these "big" decisions. Sometimes these decisions will question your character, strengthen us and sometimes let others down. Before we make such big decision we think how it will affect those around us. Well at least I would hope we would do that. We owe it to the ones we love to give them such general curteosy. I do believe that you gather most peoples attention by letting our your own dirty laundry fly and so thus I will share a personal story.
Forgiveness: disposition or willingness to forgive. What does that mean to you? Well I thought I knew until a few years ago and now it means a whole new set of things! A few years ago I decided to let someone into my life and share just about everything with this person. I am a very optimistic person and very easy to get along with, so these things come very naturally. I am also at the same time a very naive person too... oops. Well when it came out that this certain person had all about destroyed my reputation and made up all sorts of hiddeous things, I without hesitation decided to send this person packing and kicked them to the curb. Thought I generally do not stand up for myself, it was a very easy decision.
Well now what does forigveness mean to you? I have many people around me that think forgiveness means you should just allow those people you have granted this gift to a 100% clean and new plate. In this particular situation I could not be more on the opposite side. Besides the facts that this person and I should never have been friends in the first place, or that it continues to ruin friendships to this day. I have decided that I will stand up for myself and whatever will be will be for everyone else. In this particular situation I cannot allow myself to move backwards.
So does forgiveness mean that you should allow people to return to the previous trust? I personally do not think so. I think each situation should be evaluated differently. Those people that love and respect you should realize that. They should respect your decision no matter what you decide to do. Just think of your situation I asked about earlier. Did you have to compromise relationships or character to make a decision you did? How did it affect you? Would you go back and change the dynamics of how things went?
They are all things to be taken with consideration and I hope you have made the right decision. Forgiveness is something I do not take lightly. Thought we must be humble enough to receive this gift, we must also do the same in return. So must we learn to forgive and forget? Yes, it is one of the reasons we are here. But does that mean you must let your old habits die hard? Well, I will let you decide for yourself. I love you all and send best wishes.
Stand a little taller
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Best Weekend Ever!!!!!!!
I am such a happy girl this very Sunday. Things are going simply swell for me! I just came off a great split second decision vacation to Las Vegas. And now I am gearing out for a weekend full of rehearsal and WORKING OUT!
Today I would simply like to share with you the story of my vacation. Also so I can write down my adventures so I can go back and remember them.
It was a beautiful Friday. We are sitting in the mall with Ruth and she says, "i wonder if Danny Gokey is on tour right now? So I decided I would go home and look it up, because I LOVE me some Danny Gokey. I opened up his site and saw that he was going to be in Vegas on a 4 day stint. Are you kidding me Danny? I want to see you and you are going to Las Vegas. So I text Danielle this. Well Danny will be in Vegas tomorrow........ In response I get a phone call that goes something like this. He is going to Vegas tomorrow, does that mean you wanna go? Well, ummm yea, duh, sure? So anyways, about 4 hours later we are packed up and on our way to Las Vegas.
We stayed that night in Cedar City with some relatives. The drive down consisted a lot of quoting Will & Grace, and singing Glee. Oh and also driving through some sketchy fog! That night we slept.... kinda? It was some of the worst sleep we had in years. After breakfast we were finally on our way to see our Danny. We got a hotel room for a whole $27! Once checked in we went and parked in the parking garage. This parking garage happened to be just about on the opposite world of the hotel tower. So we walked just about 2 miles through the smelly casino to get to our room. Well hey, I needed the exercise.
Once to our room we decided we needed some food and to find Danielle some shoes for the night. For dinner we ate at the ever delicious Pei Wei! Once through the mall we made our way over to DSW shoes. Let me tell you something too, Danielle has the most expensive taste. This is because every shoe the girl liked in the whole 7 football field place was the most expensive. Thus, Danielle leaves without any shoes!
We finally are now ready and set to go watch Danny Gokey! After what seemed like a 9 hour drive, we finally see the sign!!!! We have now become 14 year old girls. EEEEE! Danny Gokey tonight!!!! I was a little dissapointed because we had missed the opportunity to buy backstage passes! But, I was still sooooo excited to see this man! On the other hand I was particulary excited because well, this day had been so lucky already that I knew only good things would continue to happen!
Valet takes the car, we get in line for will call, took a pee, and sat in our magnificent seats. We have been waiting for this moment for a long, long time. Danny Gokey comes out and put on a magnificent concert! He tells us the adorable story of how he proposed to Sophia, and how he is running is charity. This man is the whole package. Then he is almost done when he says, "my manager says I can sign at the merchandise table after the concert for as many people as time allows." I turn to Danielle, and ask if he really said that and yes he did!!!! We decided we would run AFAP "as fast as possible" to the merchandise table. We are about 15th in line and one of our biggest dreams are about to come true. We buy are posters, have the camera ready and out he comes! It is finally our turn, he signs our posters and takes a picture with Danielle! (cutest picture ever Mrs. Gokey) Ha and then I go to take a picture with him and the camera is our of memory, but that is besides the point! Well, we have just met one of our most favorite singers! WE ARE IN SEVENTH HEAVEN!
Once we had grown up to maybe about 17 years old we decide to move on with our night. Remember when I said we were very tired because the previous nights sleep sucked? Well either on eof us had taken a picture by the famous Las Vegas sign at the end of the strip,. So we park and walk up to the sign, and find Elvis hanging out there. Elvis proceeds to tell us how cool he is and that he has been on t.v. for over 15 years. (so why are you hanging out by the Vegas sign:) He convinces us he has to take our picture and make us give him 5 bucks. Ah haha he was the most strange thing ever! He sand to danielle and all!
At this point I was so excited, weirded out and tired and one person could be. So we decide we need Del Taco before bed. We pull up to the order board and there is a black truck filled with white trash. This was a modified little truck of some sorty. We are sitting their talking waiting for the food when we all of a sudden hear a hissing sound. THIS CAR HAD A HYDROLICS SYSTEM! Haha they were making the car go up and down. I was about to pee my pants laughing.
Well we finally made it to sleep! This had officially become one of the best nights of my life! Well 300 miles later, Danielle's windshield wiper flying off the car in mid drive, and a snow storm later, I am finally home. It was literally 48 hours of lots of laughs and some of the most fun I have ever had!
Today I would simply like to share with you the story of my vacation. Also so I can write down my adventures so I can go back and remember them.
It was a beautiful Friday. We are sitting in the mall with Ruth and she says, "i wonder if Danny Gokey is on tour right now? So I decided I would go home and look it up, because I LOVE me some Danny Gokey. I opened up his site and saw that he was going to be in Vegas on a 4 day stint. Are you kidding me Danny? I want to see you and you are going to Las Vegas. So I text Danielle this. Well Danny will be in Vegas tomorrow........ In response I get a phone call that goes something like this. He is going to Vegas tomorrow, does that mean you wanna go? Well, ummm yea, duh, sure? So anyways, about 4 hours later we are packed up and on our way to Las Vegas.
We stayed that night in Cedar City with some relatives. The drive down consisted a lot of quoting Will & Grace, and singing Glee. Oh and also driving through some sketchy fog! That night we slept.... kinda? It was some of the worst sleep we had in years. After breakfast we were finally on our way to see our Danny. We got a hotel room for a whole $27! Once checked in we went and parked in the parking garage. This parking garage happened to be just about on the opposite world of the hotel tower. So we walked just about 2 miles through the smelly casino to get to our room. Well hey, I needed the exercise.
Once to our room we decided we needed some food and to find Danielle some shoes for the night. For dinner we ate at the ever delicious Pei Wei! Once through the mall we made our way over to DSW shoes. Let me tell you something too, Danielle has the most expensive taste. This is because every shoe the girl liked in the whole 7 football field place was the most expensive. Thus, Danielle leaves without any shoes!
We finally are now ready and set to go watch Danny Gokey! After what seemed like a 9 hour drive, we finally see the sign!!!! We have now become 14 year old girls. EEEEE! Danny Gokey tonight!!!! I was a little dissapointed because we had missed the opportunity to buy backstage passes! But, I was still sooooo excited to see this man! On the other hand I was particulary excited because well, this day had been so lucky already that I knew only good things would continue to happen!
Valet takes the car, we get in line for will call, took a pee, and sat in our magnificent seats. We have been waiting for this moment for a long, long time. Danny Gokey comes out and put on a magnificent concert! He tells us the adorable story of how he proposed to Sophia, and how he is running is charity. This man is the whole package. Then he is almost done when he says, "my manager says I can sign at the merchandise table after the concert for as many people as time allows." I turn to Danielle, and ask if he really said that and yes he did!!!! We decided we would run AFAP "as fast as possible" to the merchandise table. We are about 15th in line and one of our biggest dreams are about to come true. We buy are posters, have the camera ready and out he comes! It is finally our turn, he signs our posters and takes a picture with Danielle! (cutest picture ever Mrs. Gokey) Ha and then I go to take a picture with him and the camera is our of memory, but that is besides the point! Well, we have just met one of our most favorite singers! WE ARE IN SEVENTH HEAVEN!
Once we had grown up to maybe about 17 years old we decide to move on with our night. Remember when I said we were very tired because the previous nights sleep sucked? Well either on eof us had taken a picture by the famous Las Vegas sign at the end of the strip,. So we park and walk up to the sign, and find Elvis hanging out there. Elvis proceeds to tell us how cool he is and that he has been on t.v. for over 15 years. (so why are you hanging out by the Vegas sign:) He convinces us he has to take our picture and make us give him 5 bucks. Ah haha he was the most strange thing ever! He sand to danielle and all!
At this point I was so excited, weirded out and tired and one person could be. So we decide we need Del Taco before bed. We pull up to the order board and there is a black truck filled with white trash. This was a modified little truck of some sorty. We are sitting their talking waiting for the food when we all of a sudden hear a hissing sound. THIS CAR HAD A HYDROLICS SYSTEM! Haha they were making the car go up and down. I was about to pee my pants laughing.
Well we finally made it to sleep! This had officially become one of the best nights of my life! Well 300 miles later, Danielle's windshield wiper flying off the car in mid drive, and a snow storm later, I am finally home. It was literally 48 hours of lots of laughs and some of the most fun I have ever had!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Ignorance is bliss?
And a drum roll please, because it is Friday! Thank the heavens above for the weekend even though oddly enough... I actually hate weekends. This week I have had one of the best weeks in quite some time. I am still here as part of the unemployed world (pathetic I know.) But, I was able to attend the BYU basketball game against SDSU. It was the greatest game I have ever been too. Yes, even better than some of the football games against the U. I have officially fallen in love with Jimmers little smile! He is the darn cutest thing alive! I will be thoroughly entertained by this team in the next few months.
I also have been very grateful for my best good friend Danielle in the last few weeks. I have not had much drive to do anything and she has kept me going. We have had much fun going to the gym and watching American Idol! So to her I say thank you for keeping my ever so boring life happy!
My thought today has to do with the daily TRASH that we are surrounded with! It has been brought to my attention in the last few weeks exactly how horrible all the film entertainment is! I have listened to some people explain to me some horrible scenes from The Black Swan, Jersey Shore, Skins etc. All these trashy "reality" shows are all about sex. Children as young as 14 years old are going through high school worried about who they are going to get "lucky" with. If I am not wrong the Jersey Shore has a room called the "Smash" room, and I can only imagine what that is for. Not only sex but sexuality, drugs, stealing, lying. All these shows depict everything you shouldn't be seeing!
I have only been worried because a few things have been brought to my attention. #1 my 11 year old sister would be able to get home from school, turn on the turn and just be able to see this crap! #2 Can't I watch anything anymore that has my morals and values? The answer is almost everytime NO. There honestly has been about 1 of every 15 movies made that are even up to par with what I like to watch. My favorite is this new Ashton Kutcher movie about casual sex..... ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? I am appaled! I don't care what religion, age, gender, race you are. We are painting a horrible picture for our younger generations. I can't even remember a show when I was 11...only 10 years ago!, that would have anything close to this crap on it. The standards of this young generation are deteriorating so fast! I am sorry but having a "casual sex" buddy is not okay, and just because they fall in love at the end does not make it okay! Why cant someone just write something funny, with good all fashioned humor?
When these kids watch this crap they think it is okay to act like this! Now I get that with every generation things are always changing and evolving. But for things like the F bomb, and drugs, and sex to be incorporated into every day activities is not something to be taken lightly. I apologize for this tangent but I don't think this is okay anymore. It honestly makes me think twice about every having children! Why would I want to bring a child into this world and surround them with such junk?
All I ask is think twice about what your kids are watching and the type of kids they are hanging out with. It is impossible to hide from terrible things, but we can all try to do a little better. Its cool to have morals and values... I PROMISE!
I do hope everyone a wonderful weekend of peace and rest!
Stand a Little Taller
I also have been very grateful for my best good friend Danielle in the last few weeks. I have not had much drive to do anything and she has kept me going. We have had much fun going to the gym and watching American Idol! So to her I say thank you for keeping my ever so boring life happy!
My thought today has to do with the daily TRASH that we are surrounded with! It has been brought to my attention in the last few weeks exactly how horrible all the film entertainment is! I have listened to some people explain to me some horrible scenes from The Black Swan, Jersey Shore, Skins etc. All these trashy "reality" shows are all about sex. Children as young as 14 years old are going through high school worried about who they are going to get "lucky" with. If I am not wrong the Jersey Shore has a room called the "Smash" room, and I can only imagine what that is for. Not only sex but sexuality, drugs, stealing, lying. All these shows depict everything you shouldn't be seeing!
I have only been worried because a few things have been brought to my attention. #1 my 11 year old sister would be able to get home from school, turn on the turn and just be able to see this crap! #2 Can't I watch anything anymore that has my morals and values? The answer is almost everytime NO. There honestly has been about 1 of every 15 movies made that are even up to par with what I like to watch. My favorite is this new Ashton Kutcher movie about casual sex..... ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? I am appaled! I don't care what religion, age, gender, race you are. We are painting a horrible picture for our younger generations. I can't even remember a show when I was 11...only 10 years ago!, that would have anything close to this crap on it. The standards of this young generation are deteriorating so fast! I am sorry but having a "casual sex" buddy is not okay, and just because they fall in love at the end does not make it okay! Why cant someone just write something funny, with good all fashioned humor?
When these kids watch this crap they think it is okay to act like this! Now I get that with every generation things are always changing and evolving. But for things like the F bomb, and drugs, and sex to be incorporated into every day activities is not something to be taken lightly. I apologize for this tangent but I don't think this is okay anymore. It honestly makes me think twice about every having children! Why would I want to bring a child into this world and surround them with such junk?
All I ask is think twice about what your kids are watching and the type of kids they are hanging out with. It is impossible to hide from terrible things, but we can all try to do a little better. Its cool to have morals and values... I PROMISE!
I do hope everyone a wonderful weekend of peace and rest!
Stand a Little Taller
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Big heads and help
Just another day in the drivers seat of an "amazing" life! hehe. I did absolutely nothing most of the day. I did actually stay in bed because I did not feel too well. But then I decided that a little Benni Benassi would put my mind in the right place to do a little working out. Cut to 10:20 tonight and I went and saw The Fighter. It was a beautiful movie! Very wonderfully made with acting like I have not seen in quite a while, Christian Bale did a fabulous job!
Todays thought comes from right out of my amazing brain!! You can take this either as a spiritual meaning or just in day to day life. As being part of our worlds economical trouble, a lot of hard times have hit us. Most people to some extent or another have felt the affects of lost jobs, reposessed homes, reduction of pay, closing of companies, bankruptcy etc. There are very few people you could run into that have not seen some effect of our economy. Some families have turned to working 2 jobs or more, selling homes for apartments, postponing plans for school, etc. In some cases some families have taken another route such as asking for help. Most as for help from family, church, donation, welfare. As being someone who recently had to apply for unemployment I now understand. If you have been an indedependent person and have always made your own way in life, it can be very hard to ask for help. Most believe asking for help means admitting that you have failed or have done something wrong. Just ask your self for a moment how you view some of these situations.
You also can take this content and form it into a spiritual meaning. On a basic level and without being religion specific, just think of what your daily routine for beliefs follow. Most of us believe it is important to have faith and trust in our higher power. While most of us go about our day taking for granted what we have been given, we completely forget what a beautiful gift we have been given. At some point in our lives or another most of us will fall upon "hard times," During these times we forget that we have someone watching over us. If you are anything like me, I fall into a bad habit of only praying when you feel impressed to ask for something. For me this comes with a price of guilt. I hate taking my Heavenly Fathers love for granted and only returning a thank you when I have fallen upon hard times. Never the less, the prayer system has been put in place to give thanks and to ask upon for help. Again comes in the part where we feel a little prideful to ask for help. It will again force us to say out loud something that has gone wrong in our life.
"Just because you ask for help does not mean you have failed, it means your not in it alone."
We have been put here on this earth for other people for a reason. They are here for us and is why we have been given great family and friends. We need to realize that we as humans do not need help just when we have fallen upon hard times. We should go about every day asking for help and returning the help. We can always better our selves! In return for one favor and receiving of another, the task of asking for help when we need it will not be so hard. It is okay to turn to others and ask for help. It is what we call our support system. More than often you will find others are more than happy to help!
Stand a little taller
Todays thought comes from right out of my amazing brain!! You can take this either as a spiritual meaning or just in day to day life. As being part of our worlds economical trouble, a lot of hard times have hit us. Most people to some extent or another have felt the affects of lost jobs, reposessed homes, reduction of pay, closing of companies, bankruptcy etc. There are very few people you could run into that have not seen some effect of our economy. Some families have turned to working 2 jobs or more, selling homes for apartments, postponing plans for school, etc. In some cases some families have taken another route such as asking for help. Most as for help from family, church, donation, welfare. As being someone who recently had to apply for unemployment I now understand. If you have been an indedependent person and have always made your own way in life, it can be very hard to ask for help. Most believe asking for help means admitting that you have failed or have done something wrong. Just ask your self for a moment how you view some of these situations.
You also can take this content and form it into a spiritual meaning. On a basic level and without being religion specific, just think of what your daily routine for beliefs follow. Most of us believe it is important to have faith and trust in our higher power. While most of us go about our day taking for granted what we have been given, we completely forget what a beautiful gift we have been given. At some point in our lives or another most of us will fall upon "hard times," During these times we forget that we have someone watching over us. If you are anything like me, I fall into a bad habit of only praying when you feel impressed to ask for something. For me this comes with a price of guilt. I hate taking my Heavenly Fathers love for granted and only returning a thank you when I have fallen upon hard times. Never the less, the prayer system has been put in place to give thanks and to ask upon for help. Again comes in the part where we feel a little prideful to ask for help. It will again force us to say out loud something that has gone wrong in our life.
"Just because you ask for help does not mean you have failed, it means your not in it alone."
We have been put here on this earth for other people for a reason. They are here for us and is why we have been given great family and friends. We need to realize that we as humans do not need help just when we have fallen upon hard times. We should go about every day asking for help and returning the help. We can always better our selves! In return for one favor and receiving of another, the task of asking for help when we need it will not be so hard. It is okay to turn to others and ask for help. It is what we call our support system. More than often you will find others are more than happy to help!
Stand a little taller
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Your biggest challenge
Today was meh. I was bland and boring and I had a feeling of being worthless. Well because these days I am. I did wake up at a normal hour, and I sat around watching Grey's Anatomy. Its one of my comforting things I have in life. Oh yes, I did make a run down to the drug store with grandpa (this would be the highlight of my day.) I did get in a very good workout with Danielle though. It is something that I hate doing, but I know mmy fat does not go away on its own. So I try to make the habit and move on.
I apologize, I am a little numb today but felt that blogging is a good therapy tool that I enjoy. I am not sure if it is the sound of the keyboard or my new found love for writing? Either way I am here to share!
Todays thought is provoked by my boring life! If you bear with me I may bore you to death today. These days I have been a little on the dont give a living crap side. I have now officially not worked for about a month. Once you have had the joy of sleeping in everyday and not even having a worry about work, it is hard to get motivated to find a job. I also have many challenges that come along with my new life. I cannot for the life of me even imagine going back to an old boring job. In the last few weeks many thoughts have been running through my mind. Can I live without working? Does any one have a job for me in Italy? Can I just make up my own job and gather millions of dollars? I know... I am a dreamer. But, it is hard to sometimes face reality when you have reached the end of the rope. It is very hard on me mentally being 21 and still having no direction for life. I have done nothing to set myself up for future success. For me I do a lot more of beating myself up when I think about my past. No one wants to face reality, but I have been forced to face a harsh one right now.
I literally have sat up at night wondering what it is I could possibly go to school for. Is it a bad sign when you have had the last 6 years to think about it and still nothing sparks my interest? Well, so maybe school is not for me? But I swear I cannot take one more day of customer service! I would literally rather jump off a cliff over the grand canyon.
So what is my fix to all of this? I sit here... I spend my day counting calories and gearing up for my next workout. I spend my days looking through the t.v. beating my self up about my life. Do I complain a lot? yes! Well, maybe that is my problem. So for today that is what is my biggest challenge. I have a lot of life left to go ya know? Will I be faced with the same questions in another 6 years? Hopefully not. Until that point I will put faith in my Heavenly Father and just continue to be a little numb for now.
Stand a little taller
I apologize, I am a little numb today but felt that blogging is a good therapy tool that I enjoy. I am not sure if it is the sound of the keyboard or my new found love for writing? Either way I am here to share!
Todays thought is provoked by my boring life! If you bear with me I may bore you to death today. These days I have been a little on the dont give a living crap side. I have now officially not worked for about a month. Once you have had the joy of sleeping in everyday and not even having a worry about work, it is hard to get motivated to find a job. I also have many challenges that come along with my new life. I cannot for the life of me even imagine going back to an old boring job. In the last few weeks many thoughts have been running through my mind. Can I live without working? Does any one have a job for me in Italy? Can I just make up my own job and gather millions of dollars? I know... I am a dreamer. But, it is hard to sometimes face reality when you have reached the end of the rope. It is very hard on me mentally being 21 and still having no direction for life. I have done nothing to set myself up for future success. For me I do a lot more of beating myself up when I think about my past. No one wants to face reality, but I have been forced to face a harsh one right now.
I literally have sat up at night wondering what it is I could possibly go to school for. Is it a bad sign when you have had the last 6 years to think about it and still nothing sparks my interest? Well, so maybe school is not for me? But I swear I cannot take one more day of customer service! I would literally rather jump off a cliff over the grand canyon.
So what is my fix to all of this? I sit here... I spend my day counting calories and gearing up for my next workout. I spend my days looking through the t.v. beating my self up about my life. Do I complain a lot? yes! Well, maybe that is my problem. So for today that is what is my biggest challenge. I have a lot of life left to go ya know? Will I be faced with the same questions in another 6 years? Hopefully not. Until that point I will put faith in my Heavenly Father and just continue to be a little numb for now.
Stand a little taller
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Fairytales are?
I had quite a magical day today. As many of you know I am blue blooded and a true cougar. I took much pride and joy watching BYU scalp the Utes tonight. Jimmer had 47 point! And also made a half court shot. It doesn't get much better. I also woke up at about noon. I am quite disguisted with my self! P.S. this is the part where I will now be taking suggestions on how to proceed with my life? Because I certainly have no idea!
Has anyone played Just Dance? I am my self quite addicted to it! It is quite the grand time. We played it on Saturday night for about 3 good hours. Lets hope that worked off the McDonalds and sugar cookies Amanda and I ate. That is about the only form of exercise I am getting in the last week. I am having a hard time motivating my self to go to the gym. It just seems so much better when you have someone walking next to you. But when your gym partner (Robyn) bails... I have my 87 grandpa with me! But somehow not the same. Lets hope I can at least stick to my diet and continue to see a little bit of weight loss. Maybe next week my give a damn will be in check.
Todays thought is brought to me by Grey's Anatomy. I have also dreamed of working in the medical profession. Specifically I have always dreamed of being a Cardio Thoracic surgeon. Lets just all laugh in synch, becasue there is no way in hell I am smart enough for that! Okay, so I will just live vicariously through Grety's Anatomy.If anyone has watched the show they will know it start usually with Meredith giving a quote or saying something profound that has to do with the episode and also ends the same way. One of my favorite episodes has to do with fairytales. It begins and has you think of your fairytale and I will ask you to do the same. What is your fairytale? In the change of a new year I am on the search this year for the fairytale of my own. I believe I am doing nesseccary changes to get my much needed fairytale. I have many of them, losing weight, starting my life over, finding where I belong in the world of work, finding my eternal companion.
I have a vision of endless smarts coming to me and tuition being paid so I can become a doctor. I will meet the man of my dreams in this ivy league school I go too. We will get married and have 3 beautiful children. In this life we will live in Virginia and have a vacation home Florida. We will eventually be able to travel to Italy (because I will be fluent in this language) and live there every summer. Once retirement comes along we will build a white house with blue shutter and a wrap around porch. And it is there we will live our last days surrounded by 3 generations of posterity.
Oh wait, come back to reality crazy! Fairytales are the stuff of dreams. They are as one, and never come true!
Stand a little taller
Has anyone played Just Dance? I am my self quite addicted to it! It is quite the grand time. We played it on Saturday night for about 3 good hours. Lets hope that worked off the McDonalds and sugar cookies Amanda and I ate. That is about the only form of exercise I am getting in the last week. I am having a hard time motivating my self to go to the gym. It just seems so much better when you have someone walking next to you. But when your gym partner (Robyn) bails... I have my 87 grandpa with me! But somehow not the same. Lets hope I can at least stick to my diet and continue to see a little bit of weight loss. Maybe next week my give a damn will be in check.
Todays thought is brought to me by Grey's Anatomy. I have also dreamed of working in the medical profession. Specifically I have always dreamed of being a Cardio Thoracic surgeon. Lets just all laugh in synch, becasue there is no way in hell I am smart enough for that! Okay, so I will just live vicariously through Grety's Anatomy.If anyone has watched the show they will know it start usually with Meredith giving a quote or saying something profound that has to do with the episode and also ends the same way. One of my favorite episodes has to do with fairytales. It begins and has you think of your fairytale and I will ask you to do the same. What is your fairytale? In the change of a new year I am on the search this year for the fairytale of my own. I believe I am doing nesseccary changes to get my much needed fairytale. I have many of them, losing weight, starting my life over, finding where I belong in the world of work, finding my eternal companion.
I have a vision of endless smarts coming to me and tuition being paid so I can become a doctor. I will meet the man of my dreams in this ivy league school I go too. We will get married and have 3 beautiful children. In this life we will live in Virginia and have a vacation home Florida. We will eventually be able to travel to Italy (because I will be fluent in this language) and live there every summer. Once retirement comes along we will build a white house with blue shutter and a wrap around porch. And it is there we will live our last days surrounded by 3 generations of posterity.
Oh wait, come back to reality crazy! Fairytales are the stuff of dreams. They are as one, and never come true!
Stand a little taller
Friday, January 7, 2011
Keep moving forward
I am very saddened by a broken promise and I have missed 2 days of blogging. You can say like with Josh Groban that I am obsessed with it. I had a BEAUTIFUL time in St. George with my Mom! It was great to spend time with her. On the way back in the stinking construction zone i ran right over an orange cone, and it never came out the other side. haha, then we could feel it dragging on the bottom of the car. So about 3 miles later pop!, there it goes out the back side! While there we also enjoyed some fine chinese cuisine... and whie paying a little baby cockroach crawled accross the checkout counter. Eek!
Today I spent the better part of the day cleaning up my Christmas junk! It does feel much better to put things away and have all decoration back to normal and have everything put away. I believe I get too excited about re organizing and a clean bedroom. But, I am sure that is a quality not to be complained of.
I also spent the whole day dying of hunder. I am still following my diet, and well this weeks diet sucks. I do vow to stay with it though. I feel very strongly about me losing my weight this time! I hate the act of this lifestyle change, but I know I will feel so much better when I reach this goal! I can't even imagine being skinnier, I wonder what it is like. I hope I do not have to wonder much longer. I am staying motivated by the biggest loser. That show is so very addicting!
Todays thought comes from a quote by a man that inspires me almost above any other public figure. This man is Walt Disney. "Around here, however, we do not look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things... and curiosity will keep leading us down new paths". It simply speaks for itself. I simply hate new years resolutions. Whenever I feel inspiration come through is when I start a "resolution" And at this time I have dubbed this year all about me. I am putting a foot down and taking this year for myself. I am going to be selfish and try to learn more about my self. I feel as if I have not taken a moment to understand what it is I want from life. I find myself always at the mercy of wanting to make others happy and never have contention, and this results in bad decisions made on my part. There is plenty of things I need to fix and change in my life. I have vowed to do that this year, and I am off to a great start! I am okay with being selfish for a while. I hope to adopt many lifestyle changes and adopting new habits. I feel it in the back of my mind, I have a little voice telling me, stop looking backwards, open new doors and KEEP MOVING FORWARD! That is the 2nd of my two mottos KEEP MOVING FORWARD! I believe we all owe it to ourselves to stop and reflect, get over it and move forward. So take a moment to think what you would like to move forward with, or get over with. Have a clean heart and mind and I believe that this will bring us back to happiness.
Stand a little taller
Today I spent the better part of the day cleaning up my Christmas junk! It does feel much better to put things away and have all decoration back to normal and have everything put away. I believe I get too excited about re organizing and a clean bedroom. But, I am sure that is a quality not to be complained of.
I also spent the whole day dying of hunder. I am still following my diet, and well this weeks diet sucks. I do vow to stay with it though. I feel very strongly about me losing my weight this time! I hate the act of this lifestyle change, but I know I will feel so much better when I reach this goal! I can't even imagine being skinnier, I wonder what it is like. I hope I do not have to wonder much longer. I am staying motivated by the biggest loser. That show is so very addicting!
Todays thought comes from a quote by a man that inspires me almost above any other public figure. This man is Walt Disney. "Around here, however, we do not look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things... and curiosity will keep leading us down new paths". It simply speaks for itself. I simply hate new years resolutions. Whenever I feel inspiration come through is when I start a "resolution" And at this time I have dubbed this year all about me. I am putting a foot down and taking this year for myself. I am going to be selfish and try to learn more about my self. I feel as if I have not taken a moment to understand what it is I want from life. I find myself always at the mercy of wanting to make others happy and never have contention, and this results in bad decisions made on my part. There is plenty of things I need to fix and change in my life. I have vowed to do that this year, and I am off to a great start! I am okay with being selfish for a while. I hope to adopt many lifestyle changes and adopting new habits. I feel it in the back of my mind, I have a little voice telling me, stop looking backwards, open new doors and KEEP MOVING FORWARD! That is the 2nd of my two mottos KEEP MOVING FORWARD! I believe we all owe it to ourselves to stop and reflect, get over it and move forward. So take a moment to think what you would like to move forward with, or get over with. Have a clean heart and mind and I believe that this will bring us back to happiness.
Stand a little taller
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
A little mamma and a little mamma mia!
So today embarked a journey of a road trip with my mom to St. George. We are here at what I have dubbed "the nicest motel in the whole world"! I have enjoyed spending time with my mamma. With busy schedules and as we grow older it is not very easy to have much time together. I consider myself very blessed to have this time with her.
I have always wondered why St. George was a place "desired" to go when were in high school! We get here, go to the mall, saw polygamists = awesome!!! Go to dinner at Cafe Rio at 5:00, you would think mayhem... but not so much! Then the movie theaters are empty, but that is because they don't have one stadium seated place and they are all crappy movies. I really dont desire to see the fokers, or yogi bear, thanks but I will pass. Also 6:30 and all stores are shut down and people are all at home! No one stays out here! So i guess in Rome you do what the Romans do... Well in St. George you do what St. Georgians do. I am sitting here at 7:00 in pajamas and ready for bed! Not that my life follows any sort of schedule right now, so why not try it!! P.S. watching dirty jobs, could Mike Rowe be any more dreamy?! NO
Todays thought comes from an experience of Hell! As you all know recently I lost my job, and I could not be happier! But I am thankful for the experiences and learned a lot about lies, deceit, morons, and hard work. I would say the job emotionally was very draining. I worked with people that were put in situations and no longer had ultimate control of their lives. Need less to say they had no one to blame but themselves, but they would still try. A small sketch of the job. I worked on loan modifications, 10% of home owners literally had no control and got in a sticky spot with work. 90% of the rest of them, lost their jobs but never stopped spending and ultimately did not use their brains, or think about consequences. So they came to my company for help. Well generally 1 year would not be a long wait for the mortgage company to consider my request. As these home owners became more and more behind and foreclosure ensued... they would try to blame me. I spent 10 months listening to these people yell at me and how foreclosure was my fault because I was taking so long! Ahh mamma mia, are you kidding me?!
Anyways, I have become 100% stress free since leaving that horrible place! It just put a lot of thinking into motion for me. I never thought before this to go through the motions before I became upset or angry. We always get mad at the waitress when our steak is cooked wrong, or we yell at the delivery man when our package is late, I waited 30 minutes for my table and you said it would be 15, hey checker your stupid the candy bar says it's 65cents not $1.25!
Well before this job I would have always been one of those people. Quick to judge and jump to conclusions! But really think.. it generally is never just 1 persons fault. Next time you are feeling frustrated with the process just stop and think. You will usually find it is not the checkers fault that you wait more than 90 days to return your item which is now on clearance. It's also not her fault that Target put that stupid policy into motion. It's not realy Hilary's fault that your mortgage payment is behind, and it is also not her fault that the bank is taking so long to process the request. It is not the waiters fault that the dummy in back couldn't follow her paper and cook your steak well done and sends it out bloody. I feel we would all have a lifted lighter feeling if we could all take a deep breath and settle down! Don't be so excited to jump down someone's throat if you have not gone through the sequence of events. It usually takes more than 1 to create a problem. Just keep that in mind next time and I think you will be able to stay calm a little better.
Tomorrow is the hump day and I hope you all can get through it!
Stand a little taller
I have always wondered why St. George was a place "desired" to go when were in high school! We get here, go to the mall, saw polygamists = awesome!!! Go to dinner at Cafe Rio at 5:00, you would think mayhem... but not so much! Then the movie theaters are empty, but that is because they don't have one stadium seated place and they are all crappy movies. I really dont desire to see the fokers, or yogi bear, thanks but I will pass. Also 6:30 and all stores are shut down and people are all at home! No one stays out here! So i guess in Rome you do what the Romans do... Well in St. George you do what St. Georgians do. I am sitting here at 7:00 in pajamas and ready for bed! Not that my life follows any sort of schedule right now, so why not try it!! P.S. watching dirty jobs, could Mike Rowe be any more dreamy?! NO
Todays thought comes from an experience of Hell! As you all know recently I lost my job, and I could not be happier! But I am thankful for the experiences and learned a lot about lies, deceit, morons, and hard work. I would say the job emotionally was very draining. I worked with people that were put in situations and no longer had ultimate control of their lives. Need less to say they had no one to blame but themselves, but they would still try. A small sketch of the job. I worked on loan modifications, 10% of home owners literally had no control and got in a sticky spot with work. 90% of the rest of them, lost their jobs but never stopped spending and ultimately did not use their brains, or think about consequences. So they came to my company for help. Well generally 1 year would not be a long wait for the mortgage company to consider my request. As these home owners became more and more behind and foreclosure ensued... they would try to blame me. I spent 10 months listening to these people yell at me and how foreclosure was my fault because I was taking so long! Ahh mamma mia, are you kidding me?!
Anyways, I have become 100% stress free since leaving that horrible place! It just put a lot of thinking into motion for me. I never thought before this to go through the motions before I became upset or angry. We always get mad at the waitress when our steak is cooked wrong, or we yell at the delivery man when our package is late, I waited 30 minutes for my table and you said it would be 15, hey checker your stupid the candy bar says it's 65cents not $1.25!
Well before this job I would have always been one of those people. Quick to judge and jump to conclusions! But really think.. it generally is never just 1 persons fault. Next time you are feeling frustrated with the process just stop and think. You will usually find it is not the checkers fault that you wait more than 90 days to return your item which is now on clearance. It's also not her fault that Target put that stupid policy into motion. It's not realy Hilary's fault that your mortgage payment is behind, and it is also not her fault that the bank is taking so long to process the request. It is not the waiters fault that the dummy in back couldn't follow her paper and cook your steak well done and sends it out bloody. I feel we would all have a lifted lighter feeling if we could all take a deep breath and settle down! Don't be so excited to jump down someone's throat if you have not gone through the sequence of events. It usually takes more than 1 to create a problem. Just keep that in mind next time and I think you will be able to stay calm a little better.
Tomorrow is the hump day and I hope you all can get through it!
Stand a little taller
Monday, January 3, 2011
Coming Soon.....
Ahhh majestic Monday! Today held the promise of a workout and Classic Skating! Because daniielle gets to have the 2 week long birthday festivities.... and I am not complaining! We have had a lot of fun and the numerous parties and playing just dance about 19 times, good game. I actually think I should call today moron Monday because well today I was a moron. Not that it wasn't bad enough having to use the razor scooter at the skating rink, well because I am just too special to use roller blades.
So moron Monday made its peak today when I went to pick up the chicken nuggets from high school. Settled in my car, they get in, and I am hungry. I convinced my self that betos would be a "healthy" alternative to fast food. So there I was driving toward the new rancheritos where hogi yogi was in PG. I pull in go around to the drive thru. I rolled the window down and was talking to the chicken nuggets. A few moments go by and I thought "hmmm. I should have been greeted by now or something?! So Max yells "yo girl, my girl Hilary is ready to order..... and nothing. I thought gee whizz how rude we are done here! I pull around and there on the front window a big giant sign reads....COMING SOON! Ah haha I have not laughed that hard in my life. I thougth Elle and Robyn were going to pee their pants. So I went and got orange chicken, also a healthy alterantive.
Todays thought comes by inspiration through my inspiration! I would like you to think exactly what inspires you. No... really think! What brings you to a perfect center? What calms you so much, that for those few seconds you are perfectly content? What makes you feel truly inspired?
I have been saddened a few times this week through a few stories via facebook, TV, blogs. I hear a constant story. When I stop drinking soda, then I will start my diet. When I start eating healthy, then I will quit smoking, When I make a little more money, I will start to pay my debt down. Dut dut dut dut dut. You know what those are called my friend? excuses! How do I know, because I am the queen of them. I actually think most of us have a doctorite in excuses. Why do we make excuses? It is because we have become so comfortable with our imperfect selves that we feel change is not needed. Deep down while we are making the excuses we think hey, everyone knows I am fat, an alcoholic, smoker, lazy etc. And they have come to accept that. So why change? But also deep down, we know that we need to change, that is why we make the excuses!! It is a viscious cycle. So what do you do?
Remember how I asked you to think about what inspires you? Think again. What inspired Hilary Kay? My family, my future husband and children, a picture of a perfect body running through my mind and music! I have actively been thinking of my inspiration in the last few weeks and that is all I have needed. I have not needed an excuse! It is because I am going for a change instead of making an excuse for that change! I challenge you to make that change! Think of what inspires you. Is it worth sacrificing your inspirations for those excuses. You always, always have someone hoping for you to make that big change. The reward of change is well worth it! So say to yourself, is it worth sacrificing those inspirations for our own selfishness? What inspires you....
Stand a little taller
So moron Monday made its peak today when I went to pick up the chicken nuggets from high school. Settled in my car, they get in, and I am hungry. I convinced my self that betos would be a "healthy" alternative to fast food. So there I was driving toward the new rancheritos where hogi yogi was in PG. I pull in go around to the drive thru. I rolled the window down and was talking to the chicken nuggets. A few moments go by and I thought "hmmm. I should have been greeted by now or something?! So Max yells "yo girl, my girl Hilary is ready to order..... and nothing. I thought gee whizz how rude we are done here! I pull around and there on the front window a big giant sign reads....COMING SOON! Ah haha I have not laughed that hard in my life. I thougth Elle and Robyn were going to pee their pants. So I went and got orange chicken, also a healthy alterantive.
Todays thought comes by inspiration through my inspiration! I would like you to think exactly what inspires you. No... really think! What brings you to a perfect center? What calms you so much, that for those few seconds you are perfectly content? What makes you feel truly inspired?
I have been saddened a few times this week through a few stories via facebook, TV, blogs. I hear a constant story. When I stop drinking soda, then I will start my diet. When I start eating healthy, then I will quit smoking, When I make a little more money, I will start to pay my debt down. Dut dut dut dut dut. You know what those are called my friend? excuses! How do I know, because I am the queen of them. I actually think most of us have a doctorite in excuses. Why do we make excuses? It is because we have become so comfortable with our imperfect selves that we feel change is not needed. Deep down while we are making the excuses we think hey, everyone knows I am fat, an alcoholic, smoker, lazy etc. And they have come to accept that. So why change? But also deep down, we know that we need to change, that is why we make the excuses!! It is a viscious cycle. So what do you do?
Remember how I asked you to think about what inspires you? Think again. What inspired Hilary Kay? My family, my future husband and children, a picture of a perfect body running through my mind and music! I have actively been thinking of my inspiration in the last few weeks and that is all I have needed. I have not needed an excuse! It is because I am going for a change instead of making an excuse for that change! I challenge you to make that change! Think of what inspires you. Is it worth sacrificing your inspirations for those excuses. You always, always have someone hoping for you to make that big change. The reward of change is well worth it! So say to yourself, is it worth sacrificing those inspirations for our own selfishness? What inspires you....
Stand a little taller
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Sabbath Day
In the wake of today I was a little scared of my first blog post. I got a mixed reaction, some said yay your blogging. Others said, you blog now? Whether good or bad I found myself waiting to post my next blog! And... and... I have 6 followers. Yay! (probably all I will ever get)
Can I really be this lucky! Today has been a beautiful day. I had a wonderful fast and testimony meeting and relief society. I then got to spend the other part taking down christmas decorations with my cute family. I then ended the day with a dondie burday party! I was lucky enough to spend 2 days in a row with 2 of my favorite people!
Today's thought comes from a strange reality always staring me in the face! It is something I blissfully choose to ignore, and frankly I am okay with that.
In the last 2 days I have been asked the following questions more than ever before! Why don't we double date? Why don't you date? Why are you not dating? Who are you dating? Literally at least 12 times in the last 2 days. Here are the answers, I would love to double date, I don't know why i am not dating?, No one absolutely no one! :) I realize that in my Utah life my biological time line is ticking. But lets be honest! Lets remember my previous dating history.... o wait I do not have one. It actually kind of scares me. I have never be the one that wanted to sit with a stranger and eat food in a noisy restraunt while we have "small talk." I have really just hoped that the first man I run into will be "the one." Or at least someone who is something of an aqquaintance so things will not be so awkward. I realize all are somewhat scared for me. So in return I will promise to put forth a little more effort! All suggestions are welcome.
P.S. kids I have lost another 6 pounds this week! I feel great!
Stand a little taller
Can I really be this lucky! Today has been a beautiful day. I had a wonderful fast and testimony meeting and relief society. I then got to spend the other part taking down christmas decorations with my cute family. I then ended the day with a dondie burday party! I was lucky enough to spend 2 days in a row with 2 of my favorite people!
Today's thought comes from a strange reality always staring me in the face! It is something I blissfully choose to ignore, and frankly I am okay with that.
In the last 2 days I have been asked the following questions more than ever before! Why don't we double date? Why don't you date? Why are you not dating? Who are you dating? Literally at least 12 times in the last 2 days. Here are the answers, I would love to double date, I don't know why i am not dating?, No one absolutely no one! :) I realize that in my Utah life my biological time line is ticking. But lets be honest! Lets remember my previous dating history.... o wait I do not have one. It actually kind of scares me. I have never be the one that wanted to sit with a stranger and eat food in a noisy restraunt while we have "small talk." I have really just hoped that the first man I run into will be "the one." Or at least someone who is something of an aqquaintance so things will not be so awkward. I realize all are somewhat scared for me. So in return I will promise to put forth a little more effort! All suggestions are welcome.
P.S. kids I have lost another 6 pounds this week! I feel great!
Stand a little taller
It's a new day!
Well kids here I am blogging! I am not so sure about what? But I have been told it is what the cool kids are doing. I do also enjoying writing, it makes me think so it couldn't hurt. It is a very rough draft and I don't know why those darn pictures are so big. But, I am sure once a figure it out it will look pretty!
Today my best good friends and I brought the new year in with a fun party! We played pin the tiara on the princess, mold and guess, glitter toes, chocolate fountain! It was all quite fantastic, and I very much enjoyed my night!! I hope this wonderful day will be one of representation of how my new year will go! Well, because I believe I deserve it!
Tonight's thought comes from a lesson very hard learned! I apologize in advance it is a little tangent but much needed for my conscience.
I have spent almost down to the T 2 years being angry at someone I love very much! It all was very silly I guess? Lets travel back in time. I at one time was a very very happy person, all was well and I had nothing to worry about. I went away on vacation and came back and my whole life had changed. Things in my little bubble had shifted and the fates would have it that my life would never be the same. You see I am an optimist. I am always a person to see the best in people, have a giant heart, and darnit I just can't say no! But, that's okay! So I thought... until I faced the real world! You see I had never thought that over night my life would change or that I couldn't stay 18 for ever, or stay out until midnight... every night! I just always thought life would be great and that I would have the whole world in my hands. Anyways, when life had changed I had been left in the dust. I had been replaced by better things, and life was no longer a fairy tale. You see I moved on, and "got over it" so I thought. But this whole time I have carried around a grudge and a mentality that I was not good enough anymore and that my life just plain ol' sucked.
2 years really.... I wasted you! It was not until 2 weeks ago and I was sitting here contemplating. And then ta=duh, a lightbulb. All this energy you have wasted being mad at this person was for nothing. Because you see this person felt the exact same way about you. That they had been left behind, that they were no longer good enough for you! I should have been overwhelmed with sadness for wasted time, but I became very happy. I finally have the right frame of mind and can go back and repair the hands of time. I can have the world at my hands and I can have what I once had before. Yes not in the same form, but it doesn't matter because it is love! I only hope I did not hurt this person by treating them badly. I know they will read this and to you I say sorry! I am sorry i have played a victim when you have done nothing wrong! I will once again be what you needed me to be for the last 2 years. I promise to be there for you from now on!
I also at the beginning of my blog need to send a shout out to my chicken nuggets. For you are the ones that have inspired me the last few months! An inspiration for much needed change! I hope everyone has a wonderful sabbath day.
Stand a little taller
Today my best good friends and I brought the new year in with a fun party! We played pin the tiara on the princess, mold and guess, glitter toes, chocolate fountain! It was all quite fantastic, and I very much enjoyed my night!! I hope this wonderful day will be one of representation of how my new year will go! Well, because I believe I deserve it!
Tonight's thought comes from a lesson very hard learned! I apologize in advance it is a little tangent but much needed for my conscience.
I have spent almost down to the T 2 years being angry at someone I love very much! It all was very silly I guess? Lets travel back in time. I at one time was a very very happy person, all was well and I had nothing to worry about. I went away on vacation and came back and my whole life had changed. Things in my little bubble had shifted and the fates would have it that my life would never be the same. You see I am an optimist. I am always a person to see the best in people, have a giant heart, and darnit I just can't say no! But, that's okay! So I thought... until I faced the real world! You see I had never thought that over night my life would change or that I couldn't stay 18 for ever, or stay out until midnight... every night! I just always thought life would be great and that I would have the whole world in my hands. Anyways, when life had changed I had been left in the dust. I had been replaced by better things, and life was no longer a fairy tale. You see I moved on, and "got over it" so I thought. But this whole time I have carried around a grudge and a mentality that I was not good enough anymore and that my life just plain ol' sucked.
2 years really.... I wasted you! It was not until 2 weeks ago and I was sitting here contemplating. And then ta=duh, a lightbulb. All this energy you have wasted being mad at this person was for nothing. Because you see this person felt the exact same way about you. That they had been left behind, that they were no longer good enough for you! I should have been overwhelmed with sadness for wasted time, but I became very happy. I finally have the right frame of mind and can go back and repair the hands of time. I can have the world at my hands and I can have what I once had before. Yes not in the same form, but it doesn't matter because it is love! I only hope I did not hurt this person by treating them badly. I know they will read this and to you I say sorry! I am sorry i have played a victim when you have done nothing wrong! I will once again be what you needed me to be for the last 2 years. I promise to be there for you from now on!
I also at the beginning of my blog need to send a shout out to my chicken nuggets. For you are the ones that have inspired me the last few months! An inspiration for much needed change! I hope everyone has a wonderful sabbath day.
Stand a little taller
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